


Infinity Street

by storming_wolf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Depression, Established Relationship, M/M, Phandom Big Bang 2017, Self-Harm, Soulmates, Suicide Attempt, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-01-28 12:58:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 33,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12607180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storming_wolf/pseuds/storming_wolf
Summary: Dan never really had a plan for life after secondary school, unlike his boyfriend Phil who had a grand life plan and was just months away from pursuing his dream of attending the University of York. One thing Dan definitely didn’t plan on was being diagnosed with leukaemia at 16. With Dan growing sicker with each passing day, he and Phil try to make the most of what time they have left, but how can they fight when falling is so much easier?





	1. I'm Fine

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic in June of 2016, just toying with a plot that chronicled my own experiences with being a teenager with cancer when I was younger. That August, however, my uncle was diagnosed with stage 4 osteosarcoma and passed away that November. I nearly trashed this fic after his death, but instead, over the past year, I poured all the emotion that his death left me with into this fic, and honestly, now that it’s out there, and these feelings are off my chest, I’m able to find some peace a year later.
> 
> I would like to thank everyone who supported me as I wrote this and decided to submit it in the Phandom Big Bang, from the Chicago TATINOF groupchat(SALT SQUAD 5EVER), to my beta reader, and my artist. And to my uncle, sin ti, no tendría la fuerza para seguir luchando. Te amo tio. 
> 
> Thank you for letting our story be yours <3

_ I'm fine, and I can handle myself // The world's an addict with a vice up on the shelf // Glaring there and barely out of reach _

Just Out Of Reach - Mayday Parade

Exam season was actual hell.

Having exam after exam was hard enough as is, but Dan also had to deal with an overstressed boyfriend who was juggling both exams and university applications. To make matters worse, he currently had the worst cold in the history of ever. At this point, exam season might as well have been his actual death.

Phil wrapped a blanket around Dan’s shoulders and kissed his forehead, placing a cup of tea beside his textbook.

“You're burning up love. You should probably go to bed,” Phil said. His hair was spikey and disheveled, his glasses on and his face covered in stubble, which was a subtle reminder that Phil  would be an adult next month while Dan was still only 16.

“I'm fine, I need to study. If I manage a B on exams I can pass trig and never look at a triangle again,” Dan yawned. Phil sat next to him and nuzzled his neck with his nose.

“I'll help you tomorrow, let's go to bed,” Phil said.

“You just wanna get me in bed you perv,” Dan joked, playfully hitting him. He chuckled and moved in to kiss Dan, but he pushed him back. “I don't wanna give you my plague, especially when you have that big interview with York admissions next week.”

“But my baby is sick and needs me,” Phil pouted.

“I'll still be sick and needy when you get back,” Dan said with a smile. Phil picked him up and kissed his cheek.

“You're gonna lie down and I'll make you soup, okay? Get on some comfy pyjamas,” Phil ordered.

“Fine, fine, just put me down,” Dan said, swatting at his chest. Phil let him down with a kiss on the cheek and Dan went up to his room.

They had been together for a year and a half now, but their families weren’t aware. Phil’s parents were away visiting his Nan up north, so they had the house to themselves. Not that they planned on doing anything, as Dan was too ill to even fathom doing such things and Phil was too focused on his York interview coming up.

Dan went into Phil’s room and took Phil’s favourite pyjama bottoms just to mess with him. He stripped from his jeans and slipped on Phil’s pyjamas before collapsing into his bed.

“Microwave ramen. Not exactly Chef Ramsay approved, but it's all I could manage while keeping the house not on fire,” Phil chuckled. Dan scooted over on his bed and accepted the cup of noodles gratefully. Phil sat next to him, cross legged as he opened up his maths book.

“You're going to turn into a polynomial if you spend all your time studying,” Dan said.

“Finish off your soup and we'll watch a movie,” Phil promised. Dan ate his soup, Phil taking the cup back to the kitchen and returning with a movie. He and Dan cuddled on the bed as the film began.

“I don't feel too good,” Dan said. Before he or Phil had time to react, Dan threw up in his lap. “Sorry Phil.”

“It's okay honey, I'll clean this up, you go wash up and I'll bring you more clothes,” Phil said.  He stripped the bed of the sheets and swapped them for his spare set. He found some extra clothes for Dan and went to the bathroom, knocking on the door.

“Come in,” Dan said.

“I got you some more…” Phil stopped in his tracks as his eyes fell on Dan’s half naked body, and not for a good reason.

Dan looked drastically thinner than Phil remembered, and he had bruises ranging in size and severity all over his body.

“What happened?” Phil asked, his voice cracking as he began to think of the worst case scenario.

“What do you mean?” Dan asked.

“You're covered in bruises Dan,” Phil said.

“I don't know where they came from,” Dan said, trying to brush it off as something that was completely normal. Phil walked over to him and looked him in the eye.

“Is someone hurting you?” Phil asked. He had known Dan’s family since they moved to Reading 4 years ago, and they certainly didn't seem like the kind of people who would abuse their children.

“What?! No!” Dan exclaimed.

“Did you get in a fight or something? How did you get these?” Phil asked.

“Phil, I don't know!” Dan snapped. “If someone hurt me, I would've told you. These just kind of happened, you know how clumsy I can be. I probably got these from playing rugby in games the other day.”

“I'm sorry, I was just worried…” Phil trailed off. 

“I know,” Dan said, grabbing Phil's hand. “I don't want you to worry about me. I'm fine, love. If I thought it was anything serious, I would've come to you about it.”

“I'm your boyfriend, it's my job to worry about you,” Phil said. He pulled Dan into a hug and kissed his forehead. “Go ahead and get dressed and I'll clean the sheets.”

“Would you be mad if I took a rain check on the movie? I'm just not feeling well and I don't want to get you sick,” Dan said. 

“Of course I won't be mad love,” Phil said. “I’ll walk you home.”

Phil gave Dan a pair of his pyjamas to wear and walked him next door. “Get some rest, alright?” 

“I'll try,” Dan said, leaning up and giving Phil a kiss on the cheek. 

* * *

Phil stood at the bus stop, his face buried in a book. He gasped once he felt arms wrapped around him. He turned around and gasped again.

Dan had demanded that Phil stay away the past two days so he wouldn't get sick as well, so when Phil saw how much sicker he appeared, he was shocked.

Dan looked extremely pale, his hair messy and eyes dark from exhaustion. His nose and cheeks were bright red from the cold.

“Good morning love,” Dan said.

“What are you doing here Bear?” Phil asked.

“Going to school?” Dan asked more than said.

“You look like death,” Phil said.

“I'm fine, I promise. It's exam week and I can't miss class,” Dan said. He linked his fingers with Phil’s as they waited for the bus.

On the bus, Dan sat next to the window, watching the snowflakes slowly fall and melt as they hit the ground. He felt something run from his nose and wiped it with the back of his fingerless gloves. As he looked down at his glove, his eyes grew wide.

A streak of red stained his glove. He touched his nose with his fingertips and confirmed that his nose was in fact bleeding. He tried to inconspicuously use his scarf to catch the blood, but Phil caught sight in the corner of his eye.

“Are you alright?” Phil asked. He saw the blood on Dan’s fingertips. “I've got tissues, here.” Phil dug through his bag and handed Dan the tissue.

“Thanks,” Dan said. If Phil hadn't been worried before, all the alarms were certainly going off in his head now.

Dan’s nosebleed stopped by time they got to school. They parted ways with a kiss at their lockers. Dan was off to games while Phil had a study period in the library.

Where Phil would usually spend this time working on university applications, he found himself on a symptom checking website. He entered Dan’s symptoms of fever, tiredness, and vomiting, the website pulling up related symptoms to add. It showed paleness, bruising, and nosebleeds as related symptoms. Phil thought they were unrelated and irrelevant, but he added them anyway. When he clicked search, his stomach dropped at the first condition listed.

_ Leukaemia. _

Phil was shocked. There was no way Dan had leukaemia. But upon reading other symptoms, Phil grew more and more concerned.

About a month and a half ago, Dan had an ear infection, a week later, a sore throat, 2 weeks after that another ear infection, and now he had a cold. Dan had been complaining about his knees feeling sore a few weeks ago, something that Phil joked was just him getting old. He had been less reluctant to eat food, saying he didn't feel hungry, and when he texted him over the weekend, Dan said his whole body just felt sore.

Phil convinced himself he was just reading into it too much and overreacting, but the concern stayed with him throughout the school day.

Dan and Phil had different schedules, so they didn't see each other again until after school when they had drama. Phil was the assistant director for the Christmas play, and Dan had a minor role. The meeting that day wasn't terribly long since everyone had exams to worry about, but when Phil looked at his watch, he realised they were going to miss the last bus if they didn't hurry.

“Come on Dan, we're gonna miss the bus!” Phil exclaimed as they rushed out of the drama room. They ran through the school and out of the front doors, running to the stop. Phil arrived at the stop breathless, turning around to see Dan struggling to run the last few feet.

“Dan?” Phil called out. He could see the bus down the street, so he jogged back and grabbed Dan’s arm. “Are you alright?”

“Just...a little out...of breath,” Dan panted. Phil managed to get him to the bus before they missed it. Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder as he took deep breaths.

“Can you come over?” Phil asked.

“I'm really tired…” Dan trailed off.

“It shouldn't take long, I just wanted to talk to you about something,” Phil said.

“We're talking now,” Dan chuckled.

“This is a conversation I don't wanna have on the bus,” Phil said. Dan bit his lip.

They arrived at Phil's home and went up to his room. Phil sat Dan on the bed and held his hands.

“What did you want to talk about?” Dan asked.

“I've been worried about you,” Phil said.

“About what?” Dan asked. 

“You've been sick a lot recently. I mean, you almost passed out running to the bus,” Phil said. “I googled your symptoms and it came up for leukaemia.”

“Of course it did! That's what happens when you Google your symptoms!” Dan snapped, standing from the bed. “The internet will say ‘Oh you have a sore throat, you must be dying!’ That doesn't mean it's true!”

“Dan-” Phil whispered.

“Oh, you know I'm only constantly ill and always getting bruised. I got a paper cut last week and it bled through two bandaids, and I feel like I've been hit by a truck, and I know those are the exact symptoms of leukaemia but I don't have cancer Phil, I don't!” Dan yelled. Tears fell from his face as he faced Phil. “Tell me I don't have cancer Phil...”

Phil pulled Dan into his arms as he cried. “You have to see a doctor love,” Phil said.

“I don't want this to be real,” Dan said.

“I know, I don't either, but you're putting yourself in danger by putting off getting help,” Phil said. “Tomorrow, screw exams. You need to see a doctor.”

“I don't want my parents to worry over nothing. They're so busy, I don't wanna burden them,” Dan said. 

“I'll take you. You don't have to tell them anything unless it's serious,” Phil said. “It's gonna be okay Danny.”

Dan stayed the night with Phil, and the next morning, they got on a bus to the doctor's office. Phil held Dan’s hand as the doctor entered the exam room.

“Hello Daniel. What brings you in today?” Dr. Shannon asked. 

“I haven't been feeling well recently, and I was concerned about some of the symptoms I've had,” Dan said.

“What symptoms have you had and when did they start?” Dr. Shannon asked.

“I kept getting ear infections and sore throats nearly 2 months ago, and then I started to realise I was just really, really tired all the time. Like no matter how much I slept, I would wake up even more tired. And then the nosebleeds started. I've had a nosebleed almost once a week, and then I started to realise I kept getting bruised but I have no idea where they came from,” Dan said.

“I'm going to check on your vitals and then I want to order a complete blood count. That test will take a day or two to come back though,” Dr. Shannon said. She led him into the hall where she got his height and weight, and then back into the room where she took his blood pressure and temperature.

“You are running a fever,” she commented. “I would stay home from school to be safe.”

“It's exams week though,” Dan said. 

“I'll write a note for you to resit them,” Dr. Shannon said. “I'll be back with the lab tech for your blood sample.”

When she left, Dan looked at Phil. “She didn't say anything about leukaemia. That's good, right?” 

“I hope so,” Phil said. The technician came in and took a few tubes of Dan’s blood before he was released.

“You should get to school Phil,” Dan said. “I don't want you to miss your exams.”

“My exam days are Wednesday and Friday, I'll be fine staying with you,” Phil said. They walked from the doctor's office and checked the bus schedule, realising they had quite some time before the bus came. “Want to grab a coffee?”

“Yeah,” Dan said. They went into the Starbucks near the stop and ordered caramel macchiatos, sitting near the window.

“So how are your applications going?” Dan asked.

“I have the easy parts done. I'm still not sure if I want to go directly into film or pick something practical and then go into film,” Phil said. “Hopefully I can decide when I go to the interview.”

“I'm sure you'll figure it out,” Dan said. 

“I'm trying to think of a project to do for a film application,” Phil said.

“You should make a movie about us,” Dan said with a smile. “The Adventures of Lion and Bear. We could solve crimes.”

“Mm, like a canon johnlock,” Phil joked, making Dan smile. “I mean I could probably make something.”

“Oh?” Dan inquired.

“Maybe like a video diary,” Phil said. “A sort of modern documentary, where we film ourselves everyday and compile it. It would at least give me points in cinematography and editing.”

“Well then, we need a camera,” Dan said, looking down at his watch. “The bus should be here soon.”

He and Phil walked out to the stop. It had begun to snow again, Dan’s cheeks growing pink. Phil wrapped his scarf around Dan and rested his head against his.

At Phil’s home, Dan took a nap while Phil looked around his bedroom for the video camera his Nan had got him for his birthday, managing to find it in a box of tech stuff under his desk. He logged onto his laptop and opened word.

_ The Life of Dan and Phil _

_ This documentary is about myself, Philip Michael Lester and my boyfriend, Daniel James Howell. At the start of the documentary, we are both secondary school students and we’ve been together for nearly 2 years.  _

“I guess we should start answering questions about ourselves,” Phil pondered to himself. He searched the internet for questions to answer, writing them down in a notebook. When Dan woke up, he explained the idea he had, and Dan agreed it would be fun. 

Phil balanced the camera on his desk, he and Dan sitting on the floor in front of his bed.

“Hi, I’m Phil,” Phil started.

“And my name is Dan,” Dan said, making a gesture with his hands to highlight his name.

“And this is our video diary,” Phil said. “I figured we could start with a sort of ‘Get to know us’, so these are some questions I have for us to answer. Dan, what do you want to do after secondary school?”

“I barely know what want to do tomorrow,” Dan chuckled. “You go first.”

“Okay. I want go to uni to be a weatherman or something in media, which is why I’m making this video diary,” Phil said.

“I might go to uni for something super practical, like a lawyer or something, but I think being an actor or some sort of entertainer would be fun too,” Dan said. Phil handed him the questions.

“You ask the next question and we’ll alternate,” Phil said. 

“Alright, are you going to get married, and to whom,” Dan said. He put the paper down and looked at Phil with serious eyes.

“I’d love to marry Sarah Michelle Gellar,” Phil said. Dan playfully punched Phil, Phil laughing as he fell over. “I’m just kidding! I wish one day that people can marry whoever they want, and then I’ll marry Dan.”

“I’ll marry you too,” Dan leaned over and kissed Phil with a smile.

“Okay, next question. How many kids will we have?” Phil asked.

“I think being a dad will be fun, so I want to have maybe two or three kids,” Dan said.

“That seems like a good amount,” Phil agreed.

“We would be such fun parents. We would play video games with them and get them into the best music. We would literally be the best parents ever,” Dan said with a smile. “Alright, how tall are you?”

“I’m a solid 188 centimeters,” Phil said.

“I’m only 186 centimeters but I’m still growing,” Dan joked. “Watch, I’m going to end up taller than Phil.”

“You wish,” Phil said. “What colour are your eyes?”

“Brown!” Dan opened his eyes wide in front of the camera, laughing as he sat back with Phil.

“Mine are a sort of blue and yellow and green at the same time,” Phil said. 

“Phil literally has magical eyes that change colours everyday,” Dan said. “And this is our last question, what colour is your hair? Mine is brown, obviously.”

“My hair is black,” Phil said.

“No, no, no,” Dan pushed Phil out of the way and got in front of the camera.. “Phil is so emo that he dyes his hair jet black, but he’s actually ging-WHOA!” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan and pulled him back. 

“Actually shut up,” Phil laughed, resting his head on Dan’s shoulder as they laughed. He released Dan and sat on his knees. “That’s all of our questions for now. We should do this again sometime.”

“This is the most fun I’ve ever had,” Dan said. Phil tackled Dan with a hug and kissed him softly. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and for a moment, all of his troubles were forgotten.


	2. Lay Me Down

_ Lay me down // And tell me everything will be alright (Things will be alright)// Things will be alright (Things will be alright) _

Let Love Bleed Red - Sleeping With Sirens

 

The next day, Dan and Phil were back in school for exams. Dan was finishing off his exam when his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He finished his exam and went into the hall and listened to the message.

_ “Hello Daniel, this is Dr. Shannon’s office. We would like to speak with you about your blood test results. If you could give us a call back, thanks.” _

Dan bit his lip as he hit redial.

“Hi, I’m Daniel Howell and I was told to call back about some test results,” Dan said. 

“Yes, the results came back out of the ordinary. The doctor has ordered a bone marrow biopsy for Saturday at noon at the Children's hospital in London, if that fits into your schedule,” the nurse said.

“Y-Yeah, I’ll make it work,” Dan said. He walked to Phil’s classroom where he was still taking his exam. Dan peaked in, Phil catching sight of him. He rushed through the last few questions before going into the hall.

“My blood test came back,” Dan said. “They need to do another test.”

“Is it the biopsy?” Phil asked. Dan nodded. “I’ll be with you through it, but we have to tell your parents about this.”

“I know,” Dan said. “I'm scared.”

“Come here,” Phil pulled Dan into his arms and held him tightly. “Let's get home.”

They went over to Dan’s house where his mum was already home.

“Hey mum,” Dan said, as he and Phil released holding hands. “Phil and I need to tell you something.”

Mrs. Howell sat on the couch opposite of Dan and Phil and took a deep breath.

“We know,” she said. “You two weren't exactly subtle, but we didn't want to force you.”

“Wait, what?” Dan asked.

“You and Phil are dating, we know,” Mrs. Howell said.

“Oh, no mom I wasn't telling you that!” Dan said. “But since we're on that, how long have you known?”

“Love letters lying around your room, always ‘hanging out with Phil’ specifically on the 9th of the month nearly every month, and your brother saw you kiss on the porch a few times,” Mrs. Howell said. “What is it you wanted to tell me then?”

Dan bit his lip as Phil held his hand. His lip began to quiver as he tried to find his words.

“You tell her,” Dan whispered.

“Dan hasn't been feeling well recently,” Phil started. “He was a little worried about some of the symptoms, but didn't want to worry you if they weren't serious, so I took him to the doctor. They did a blood test that came back weird.”

“They want to do a bone marrow biopsy on Saturday to see if I have cancer,” Dan choked out.

“Danny,” his mum pulled him into her arms as he cried.

“I'm so scared mummy,” Dan sobbed.

“It's alright Danny, we're going to get through this with you,” his mum said.

His mum filled in his younger brother and dad about what was going on and Phil told his parents everything as well.

Exams week finished off and Saturday finally rolled around. Dan had to go to the Children's hospital in London for his test. His whole family and Phil came with him, but no one could come back into the room with him.

"Hello, Daniel. We're gonna have you lie on your side on this table," the doctor, Dr. Novak said. Dan took a deep breath as he lied on his side.   


"Is it going to hurt?” Dan asked.   
  
"Just a little,” Dr. Novak said. She undid his gown and put sterile papers over his lower back. "You have quite the support group waiting for you. Who's all here?"   
  
"My mum and dad, little brother, and my boyfriend Phil," Dan said as they cleaned his back.   
  
"How long have you and your boyfriend been together?" Dr. Novak asked, prepping the needles.

"2 years come February,” Dan said. “He's graduating this May, and hopefully he'll be off to York to study film.” Dan winced as he felt the first needle prick, followed by a numbing sensation.

"I've just administered a local anaesthetic, and I'll be numbing the bone next,” Dr. Novak said.  “Does your boyfriend make a lot of films?”

“He's made a few short films. Not exactly award winning stuff, but I liked them. His big project was going to be a modern day documentary with a video diary format,” Dan said. He felt a second needle go deeper in his back. He squeezed the pillow and whimpered at the pain. He breathed a sigh of relief when the needle was removed, the pain replaced with numbness. “Is it over?"

"Not quite yet. I'm making a slight incision, so stay still," Dr. Novak said. The incision was the easier part, the anaesthetic setting in and leaving him numb. But the actual aspiration came and the pressure was intense, Dan biting his lip as the aspiration began.

"Deep breath in," Dr. Novak instructed. Dan took a deep breath, tears rolling down his face from the pressure he felt deep in his bones. “That's the worst part, okay?"

The next part of the procedure actually took the sample that was to be tested. This part was substantially easier than the other parts to Dan.

"You did great Daniel. I'm taking the needle out now," Dr. Novak said. She took out the needle. "That's a good sample. You're all done. I'm going to have you lie on your back for a few minutes."   


Dan turned on his back and stared at the ceiling, which had dolphins painted on it. He heard the door open and close, his family and Phil coming in. 

“The doctor said it will be a few days before the results come in,” Mrs. Howell said. Phil took his hand and smiled.

“Do you want to go anywhere special since we're in the city?” Mr. Howell asked.

“I heard they have bubble tea in Chinatown,” Dan said.

Once Dan was allowed to leave, they drove to the bubble tea shop. Dan, who was still sore from his procedure, tried to keep all smiles on and not worry his family further. He and Phil sat on the stools, Phil pulling out his camera and pointing it at Dan. He smiled and hid his face.

“Smile for me Danny boy,” Phil said, making Dan laugh.

“I will eviscerate you,” Dan chuckled, leaning in and kissing Phil’s cheek.

“So we are in the big city right now, and we are currently getting bubble tea. What flavour did you get Dan?” Phil said to the camera.

“I've got green tea, loads of antioxidants and good stuff,” Dan said.

“What are you boys doing?” Dan's mum asked.

“Making a video diary, documentary thing for Phil’s uni applications,” Dan said. He took the camera from Phil. “The director needs to be in this more. Do something cool.”

Phil spun on the chair, nearly falling off, making them both erupt into laughter.

After getting their bubble tea, they went to Burlington Arcade to do some Christmas shopping. Dan and Phil were filming each other doing silly things and enjoying their time together. Phil was filming Dan looking at a pair of shoes when his nose began to bleed. Phil stopped recording and ushered Dan to a bathroom.

He and Dan sat on the floor of the stall across from each other as he held tissues to his nose.

“Are we gonna include these bits in the documentary?” Dan asked. “The cancer bits?”

“We don't know if it's cancer…” Phil trailed off.

“I'd rather expect the worst than remain positive,” Dan said. Phil placed the camera on the ground and sat next to Dan. He wrapped an arm around him.

“Well then I'll stay positive for the both of us,” Phil said with a smile. Dan pulled the tissue away from his nose, realising he had stopped bleeding. He tossed the tissue into the toilet and leaned his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“Only 68 percent of leukaemia patients make it a year,” Dan said. “About 50 make it 5 years. Am I even gonna make it to 20?”

“Yes love, you are,” Phil said. “Because no matter what the test says, we’re gonna fight it, and win.”

Dan and Phil spent the rest of the mall trip in the bathroom, Dan having now grown tired from the procedure and emotional drain. He slept during the car ride back to Reading.

Phil had spent the night to keep an eye on Dan as he slept. Dan was spooned into him and Phil was beginning to drift when he felt Dan move to face him.

“Philly?” Dan whispered. “Are you still up?”

“Yes love,” Phil yawned. Dan cupped his face and kissed him passionately. Phil’s hands fell to Dan’s waist as the younger boy pulled him ontop of him.

“Make love to me,” Dan said, out of breath from the kiss.

“W-What?” Phil asked.

“I want to do it,” Dan said.

“Where is this coming from?” Phil asked.

“Life is short and you're hot,” Dan said. Phil chuckled.

“Okay, one, you stole that line from Doctor Who. And two, we can't just do it. We haven't got condoms or anything,” Phil said.

“Except I have them,” Dan said. He went into his closet and pulled out a shoebox, tossing the condoms and lube over to Phil. “This isn't just a new concept to me, lion. I've been wanting to do it for a while, so let's do it.”

“As long as you're 100 percent sure,” Phil stood from the bed and took Dan in his arms, pulling him into a deep kiss. He picked Dan up and laid him on the bed.

* * *

The moonlight illuminated Phil’s skin as Dan looked over at his raven haired boyfriend, smiling softly.

“How was that?” Phil asked.

“Perfect,” Dan said. He rested his head in Phil’s bare chest.

“I'd love to cuddle, but maybe we should put our clothes back on. I don't want your parents to ban me forever,” Phil said. Dan chuckled and sat up, getting his and Phil’s clothes. They went back to cuddling, Dan falling asleep almost immediately.

Phil found himself unable to sleep, so he grabbed his camera and laptop. He put all of the clips together in a little montage of their cute moments together. He got to the last clip he recorded and realized that he had been recording when Dan had a mini breakdown in the bathroom.

He removed the clip from the video and hit save. Unsure of where to save the video to make sure he always had it no matter what, he went onto YouTube. He created an account, simply called DanAndPhilDiary. He first uploaded their Q&A, titling it ‘Get To Know Us - Dan and Phil’, copying and pasting his initial concept of the video diary as the description. He then uploaded ‘Video Diary 1 - Fun In London’. He smiled as he wrote the description.

_ ‘Awrf :3 _

_ Spent today with my boyfriend in London. We had loads of fun and made memories ^.^ _

_ Today was a good day ~ Phil’ _

Phil hit upload and closed his laptop, wrapping his arms around Dan as he went to sleep.

* * *

Dan and Phil were on holiday from school that Monday, but Phil’s interview at York was on Tuesday. This was also the day Dan’s test results were expected back.

“Dan, I can't go,” Phil said. He was sat on the bed next to Dan, who was lying down, his arms wrapped around himself. Phil hugged his knees as Dan sighed.

“You have to Phil. This is your whole future here, you've wanted to go to York since I first met you,” Dan said.

“And I've wanted to always be there for you since I first met you,” Phil said. It was quiet between them.

“I'm probably going to die anyway, no point in throwing your life away with mine,” Dan muttered.

“Daniel, don't say stuff like that,” Phil snapped.

“I don't give a fuck anymore!” Dan yelled, turning to face Phil. “The test is going to come back that I'm sick and dying and there's nothing anyone can say or do to change that. I don't need you to hold my hand through this because you're getting attached to a dead man and that's really pathetic.”

Phil looked at Dan, dumbfounded. He bit his lip and looked down at his knees. “You're saying these things to push me away, but it's not going to work. I love you, Danny. You're my first love, my only love. I was attached to you long before this even happened, so you can't say that I'm getting attached to something that I'm already completely intertwined with,” Phil said. “I'm just trying to help.”

“I don't need your help,” Dan said.

“Then what do you need from me?” Phil asked.

“I need you to leave. Go to York tomorrow. I'm fine on my own,” Dan said.

“If that's what you want,” Phil said. He stood from the bed and looked down at his feet. “Can I at least kiss you before I go?”

Dan remained silent and still from where he laid on the bed. Phil turned and left the room.

When Phil got home, he slid onto the floor with his knees pulled to his chest. He pressed his palm against his forehead, running his fingers through his hair.

He knew Dan was just trying to push him away, and he was trying to not let it get to him, but Dan’s words hurt. He opened his laptop and started to put together clips from Sunday. He and Dan had just spent the day playing video games, but it started with Dan bouncing in the bed filming him half asleep. He gave a sad smile at the footage of himself jokingly mumbling I hate you at Dan.

‘Video Diary 2 - Playing Video Games

_ Dan and I had a rather lazy day, but yesterday had been special :3’ _

Phil uploaded it and closed his laptop, going into his wardrobe to find clothes for the interview. He heard a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Phil said. Martyn entered the room, sitting on Phil’s bed.

“Are we still heading to York tomorrow?” Martyn asked.

“I dunno,” Phil said. He sighed as he sat next to his older brother. “Dan told me to go, but I really want to be there for him. Then he went into this total freak out saying that if he was dying there was no point in throwing my life away with his, and that he didn't need me. I know he's going through alot right now, but I'm just trying to support him and he's pushing me away.”

“He's just scared,” Martyn said. “All you can do is be there for him, no matter what.”

Phil got his clothes ready for his interview and went to print out his papers for tomorrow when he saw Dan was on Skype. He bit his lip and hit call, but Dan didn't answer.

Phil sent him a message that read  _ ‘are we still together?’ _

He didn't get a reply.


	3. You'll Be Okay

_ You're doubting yourself // And you're tired of not being strong… // It's easy to say // It'll all be okay // But that's always the way It goes // So slow down // And you'll be okay _

You’ll Be Okay - Michael Schulte

 

Dan opened his eyes and saw that it was close to noon. Phil's interview was at 4, so he was sure Phil was long gone already. 

Dan opened his closet and absentmindedly grabbed for a jumper. It was Phil’s green York jumper.

He pulled it on and felt tears fall from his eyes. Of course he didn't want to break up with Phil, but he couldn't put him through all of this. Phil had uni and his life to worry about. He didn't need to be up north worrying about his dying boyfriend.

“Daniel, can you come downstairs?” His mum called. Dan wrapped his arms around himself as he went into the lounge. His parents and brother were sat waiting for him, and with one look at his mum, he just knew.

“The test came back positive for acute lymphoblastic leukaemia,” his mum said. “They want you to come into the children's hospital immediately. They said to bring a bag because you’ll be staying for a while.”

Dan felt numb when his mum said that. The feelings of sadness and anger had disappeared in an instant for a feeling of complete disconnection and emptiness.

“I'll go gather my things,” Dan said, slightly above a whisper. He went upstairs to his room and slid to the ground. He had been uncertain about whether he had leukaemia or not, but now that he had the actual diagnosis, he couldn't cry anymore. He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to beg for a different fate, but there were no emotions to give.

He threw some things in his bag and threw out things that he knew would make his parents freak out if they found. He took a deep breath as he picked up his phone and called Phil.

_ Hey it's Phil. I can't talk right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can.’ _

Dan bit his lip and grabbed his things, heading to the car. The ride to the hospital was painfully long. Dan kept calling Phil with no answer the whole ride.

Dan awkwardly walked up to his ward with his family, the nurses explaining things to him that he didn't care to know. They got to his room where a hospital gown rested on the bed.

“I have some things for your family to fill out while you get dressed in the gown,” the nurse said, leading Dan’s family out of the room.

Dan picked up his phone and called Phil again.

_ Hey it's Phil. I can't talk right now, but I'll get back to you as soon as I can.’ _

“Hey Phil...it's, uh, Dan. I got the test results back and...and I lied last night. I don't think I can do this alone. I didn't mean anything I said, I don't want to break up with you. I love you so much and I just really need you right now,” Dan said, feeling tears forming in his eyes. He hung up and took a deep breath.

“You honestly didn't think I was going to leave you alone?” Phil asked from the doorway.

He was in his dress shirt and pants, his hair neatly done. Dan dropped his things and ran over to him, holding him tightly as he cried.

“How did you get here?” Dan asked.

“Martyn and I were barely to High Wycombe when your mum phoned. We turned around immediately,” Phil said. “You're meant to be getting dressed.”

“I don't want to. I don't want this to be real,” Dan said.

“It's alright love. We'll get through this,” Phil said. He helped Dan into the hospital gown and held his hand as his family came in with two doctors.

“Hello Daniel, I’m Dr. Lieberman. We're here to explain the process and answer any questions you may have,” Dr. Lieberman began. “When it comes to acute lymphoblastic leukaemia, we place patients in a risk group so we can decide the route of treatment we will take. Being over 10 years in age has automatically placed you in the high risk group.

“ALL develops rapidly, and the longer you go without treatment, the worse it will get. In order to treat this, we need to give you very high doses of chemotherapy to kill the leukaemia cells. This is phase one of treatment. Once you enter remission, we will move on to make sure you don't relapse. These high doses of chemotherapy, however, come with side effects. Dr. Novak is going to be monitoring your chemotherapy.” Dr. Lieberman finished.

“We will be administering the chemotherapy through a chemo port that will be placed in your chest today. It's a very simple procedure that you will be asleep for, and will take no longer than an hour,” Dr. Novak explained. “Now, you will face some side effects. Chemotherapy can give you nausea, headaches, general pain, fatigue, weakened immune system, changes in how you think and act, and loss of hair. We have medicines that can help with these, so be sure to inform your nurse of any side effects you experience.”

“Do you have any questions?” Dr. Lieberman asked.

“How long do I have to stay here?” Dan asked.

“We can't be sure until we see how your body reacts to the chemotherapy. It could be anywhere from a few weeks inpatient to several months inpatient,” Dr. Novak said. Dan nodded as he looked down at his feet.

“A nurse will be up within the hour to take you for your procedure,” Dr. Novak said before they exited the room.

“Like the nurse said earlier, there's loads to do here. You'll forget that this is a hospital in no time,” Mrs. Howell said.

“Right,” Dan said, turning to his bag. “I guess I better make the place more like home then.”

“I could bring your duvet, and I have loads of pictures you can put on your walls,” Phil said.

“I could make you pictures to hang on your wall,” Adrian said.

“We want you to be as comfortable as possible,” Mr. Howell said.

“I really just want some air right now,” Dan said, throwing his things down and grabbing his jumper before storming into the hall. He went to the lounge where there was a balcony. He sat on a bench and buried his face in his hands.

“You must be new here,” he heard someone say from beside him. Dan looked up to see a boy who didn't appear to be much older than himself. “First day? Family smothering you?”

“Yeah,” Dan said.

“I'm Ollie,” Ollie introduced.

“I'm Dan,” Dan said.

“I have leukaemia. You?” Ollie asked.

“I have leukaemia too,” Dan said. He pulled his knees to his chest. “I know my family is just trying to help, and 5 minutes ago I was begging to not be alone, but now I want to be alone and I'm just so scared and confused.”

“It happens to all of us. These are supposed to be the best days of our lives and all, and here we are, stuck in hospital fighting for our lives,” Ollie said. “My girlfriend couldn't take it anymore, she broke up with me 2 months into me being in here.”

“That's horrible,” Dan said. “My...girlfriend gave up hi-her, she gave up her interview at York today to come here.”

“What's her name?” Ollie asked.

“Phil...lippa. Her name is Philippa,” Dan tried to look anywhere but at Ollie.

“You know, it's okay if ‘Philippa’ is a boy,” Ollie said. “You learn life's too short to discriminate when you're here.”

“Oh good,” Dan chuckled. “Well in that case, I think my boyfriend Phil is going to stick around. I tried to break up with him yesterday, but he's still here. He was my first love.”

“That was me and Sammi,” Ollie said. “I'm sure Phil is a great guy, just don't get hurt.”

“Ollie, it's time for chemo,” a blonde nurse said from the balcony doors.

“Chemo calls. I'll see you around, Dan,” Ollie said. As Ollie left the balcony, Phil came out and sat next to Dan.

“It's quite cold love,” Phil said. He wrapped his suit jacket around Dan’s arms and wrapped his arm around Dan.

“Things are going to get pretty ugly soon,” Dan said. “I'm going to lose all my hair, feel and look sicker than I ever have before, and have weird medical things attached to me at all times. Are you sure you want to stick around for all that?”

“I mean, I can't stay here all the time because of school and stuff-” Phil started.

“No, I mean with me. Are you going to stay with me even when I'm at my worst?” Dan asked.

“Well, yeah, I planned on it,” Phil said. “If I recall, I planned on marrying you Dan Howell. For better or worse, in sickness and in health.”

Phil kissed Dan softly before pulling him up from the bench.

“It's freezing and you've got surgery soon. Let's go see if they have crap telly here,” Phil said. Dan didn't budge. “Don't make me pick you up.”

“You won’t do-PHILIP MICHAEL LESTER PUT ME DOWN!” Dan shouted as Phil picked him up. They laughed as Phil carried him back to the hospital room where the nurse was waiting.

“Alright Daniel, it's time for your procedure,” she said. Dan said his goodbyes to his family before he was wheeled down to surgery. He zoned out as the doctor explained the procedure. 

“Take yourself to somewhere happy and peaceful,” the doctor said as he placed a mask over Dan’s face. Dan took a deep breath, remembering when Phil picked him up and carried him to the room. Even though Dan hated being picked up, he secretly loved it when Phil did it. He let out a content exhale as the anesthesia took over.

* * *

Dan was very delirious when he opened his eyes. 

“Where am I?” Dan mumbled, his vision blurry as he looked around.

“You're in hospital,” Phil said. Dan’s head fell back on the pillow. “Your family went to grab something to eat in the canteen.”

“‘m cold,” Dan said. Phil reached in Dan’s bag and grabbed his blanket. He saw his Totoro plush under the blanket. 

“You bought Totoro?” Phil asked, covering Dan up.

“You got it for me, ‘course I did,” Dan said. He pressed the button to sit himself up. He pulled down the gown and looked at the small lump that rested on his chest under a bandage.

“I thought they would just do it through a normal IV,” Phil said.

“I read up online that chemo is too aggressive for that,” Dan said. “Like it would leak out of your veins and fuck you up even more, so they do it through your heart.”

“Ouch,” Phil said. Dan scooted over and gestured for Phil to sit next to him. Phil smiled as he sat next to Dan.

“Are you going back to Reading tonight?” Dan asked. 

“Nope, your parents and I talked about that while you were in surgery. They're getting a hotel not to far from here, but Adrian wants to stay with your Nan so your dad is going to take him back tonight, and Martyn is sending over some clothes for me,” Phil said. 

“I've got a few of your jumpers and pyjamas in my bag if you want to get into something comfortable,” Dan said. 

“Thank god, this tie is killing me,” Phil stood from the bed and dug through Dan’s bag. He unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off as a nurse entered the room, pushing in a trolley.

“Oh my,” she said, not expecting to see a half naked teen in the room. 

“AHH!” Phil gasped, covering his chest with the jumper. “I was just changing!” 

“There's a bathroom en suite if you prefer,” she said. Phil awkwardly shuffled into the bathroom, the nurse chuckling.

“Friend of yours?” she asked.

“My better half actually,” Dan said. “He was in his way to an interview and hasn't had a chance to change.” 

“I'm Louise and I'm going to be your weekday nurse,” Louise introduced. “Dr. Novak just wants a few test run today and we will kick off your first chemo treatment tomorrow. You'll be having chemo once a day to start. We have a journal here for you to keep track of any side effects and how you're feeling, both physically and emotionally.” Louise handed him the journal that looked terribly juvenile with a sun with a smiley face on it.

“Do I just sit here all day?” Dan asked.

“Of course not. The only time you must be in your room is when you have scheduled chemo or procedures, other than that just inform me or whoever is on staff where you're going, whether it be to the lounge or cinema. Once the school year starts up again, you can go to the school if you feel up to it, otherwise we have tutors that will come to your room. We work close with your home school so you don't fall behind,” Louise said. “There's also a lot of activities going on for all the patients in the ward. Once a week, we have a group session.”

“That sounds...fun,” Dan said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“The first few weeks are always hard, but we're here to make sure you're always comfortable,” Louise said. “Although I've just said that, I do need to get a blood sample from you. It shouldn't be too bad, as I'll be taking it through your port.”

“You take blood through this thing?” Dan asked.

“Yup, it makes everything go just a bit easier,” Louise said. She pulled on her gloves and prepped the tubes. Phil came out of the bathroom and watched as she removed the bandage and inserted the needle into the small lump he had in his chest. He took Dan’s hand as she drew some blood.

“And that should be all the poking and prodding for today. Look over the menu for what you would like to have for supper and the dietician should be here soon with your food,” Louise said, handing Dan the paper menu before leaving.

Phil sat on the bed next to Dan, Dan wrapping his arm around him and resting his head on his chest. 

“We can still do the video diary if you want,” Dan said. “But could we try to avoid all the cancer things?”

“If you want to, yeah,” Phil said. “I actually wanted to tell you something about the video diary…”

“What?” Dan asked. Phil bit his lip as he pulled out his phone and unlocked it.

“I may have put our video diary on YouTube and it may have gotten a ton of views,” Phil said.

“You what?! Why would you put it on YouTube?” Dan asked.

“I didn’t think people would find it or watch it! I just wanted to be sure I could always access the clips just in case my computer broke or something,” Phil said. He handed Dan the phone. “I honestly didn’t think this would blow up or anything.”

“Philip Michael Lester you have some explaining to do,” Dan said. “3,000 subscribers?!?”

“I was just as shocked as you,” Phil said. Dan scrolled through their channel and clicked on the first video, their Q&A. He went through the comments. “They all say really nice things.”

“Oh like, ‘die emo fags’?” Dan asked.

“No, like, ‘you two are cute~ Make more vids~’,” Phil read. “I’ll delete the channel if you want me to.”

“No, this could be a fun thing to do,” Dan said as he finished going through the comments. “I mean, it has a five star rating, so some people must like stalking us.” Phil chuckled.

“We could be like Smosh,” Phil said. Dan scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Oh yeah, like we’ll ever be as popular as Smosh is,” Dan said. “But let’s not mention that I have cancer in the videos. I don’t want 3,000 people commenting on my well being.”

“Whatever you want to do,” Phil said. “We should make another video soon, if you’re up to it. A lot of the subscribers are asking us to.”

“Have you got your camera?” Dan asked.

“I’ve always got my camera,” Phil said. Dan smiled and got up from the bed. He pulled on Phil’s jumper and hid the IV in his sleeve, gesturing Phil to sit with him on the floor by the window sill.

“What kind of video should we make?” Dan asked as he watched Phil balance the camera on a chair.

“We should talk about how clumsy we are,” Phil said. 

Dan smiled as they started filming the video. Dan didn’t realise how fun it really was, just spending time talking about themselves and each other and reminiscing on the funny and embarrassing things they had done.

His mum walked into the room and stopped as she watched them laughing and carrying on, looking genuinely happy. She smiled, glad that Dan had Phil to help him through it all.

* * *

After filming their video, Dan had to eat dinner and visiting hours ended, meaning Phil and Dan’s family had to leave.

Dan stared at the ceiling of his hospital room and turned to look out the window. Unable to sleep, he grabbed his IV stand and walked to the window. London was always his favourite place to go growing up, and he always dreamed of living here, but he wished it had been under drastically different circumstances. He sat on the floor and leaned on the window sill and watched the city street below the hospital. It wasn’t terribly late, but the city had definitely slowed down. He grabbed his phone and sighed as he opened up his YouTube app. He logged into their channel, Phil having given him the login information before he left.

Dan scrolled through the comments, ignoring the hate ones and smiling at the nice ones. A lot of them suggested he and Phil make accounts on a number of other social media websites. He and Phil each had their own twitters that they didn’t use often, but decided to share their usernames.

_ Rawr :3 it’s Dan lolz. We have twitters already, follow us. AmazingPhil and danisnotonfire. _

Dan sighed as he pulled himself back into bed. He started chemo in less than 12 hours. In less than 12 hours, the reality that he had cancer would hit him hard. It still felt unreal to him, even sitting in the hospital with a catheter stuck in his chest leading to his heart. The sound of kids crying down the hall and heart monitors steadily beeping taunted Dan’s ears as he tried to find sleep.

It never came.

Phil and Mrs. Howell came right as visiting hours began. His mum was asking him about how he was feeling and if he needed anything, much to Dan’s annoyance. He understood that this affected his family as much as it did him, but they were definitely smothering him. He was already tired of talking about cancer and chemo and being in the hospital. He just wanted a normal life again.

Before Dan knew it, Louise was coming into the hospital room with the trolley full of medicine.

“It’s time for your chemo, love,” Louise said. “I have to give you some medicine that will help counter some of the side effects before they even begin. It's normal to feel very tired and nauseas during treatment, and if you feel like you’re going to be sick, make sure to call for us.”

Mrs. Howell placed a hand on his shoulder as Phil took his hand. Dan took a deep breath as Louise inserted the IV into the port and set up the bag of chemo. 

“Are you ready?” Louise asked. Dan let out a shaky breath.

“No,” He choked out as a tear fell from his eye. Phil squeezed his hand.

“You’ll be okay, Danny. We’re here,” Phil said in a comforting voice. Dan took a few more deep breaths before looking at Louise.

“I’m ready.”


	4. Smile

_ I can fake a smile // I can force a laugh // I can dance and play the part // If that's what you ask // Give you all I am // I can do it // But I'm only human _

Human - Christina Perri

 

Dan had been doing daily chemo treatments for the past week and he felt impossibly worse. His parents had to work and couldn’t stay at the hospital with Dan as much as they wanted to, but thankfully the nurses were allowing Phil to stay at the hospital with Dan so he wouldn’t get lonely.

Phil usually slept on the sofa bed in Dan’s room. During the days, he tried to find ways to cheer Dan up, mostly working on their video diary that had grown even more over the past week. Dan was happy to make videos when he was feeling well, which wasn’t often the past few days. 

Christmas was in a few days and Dan wasn’t too thrilled that he had to spend it in hospital. Phil had given him his Christmas present early, having gotten him Deathnote on DVD. They usually watched it during and after Dan’s chemo treatments.

Dan had finished todays round of chemo and immediately felt ill. Phil lied in the hospital bed with Dan, holding him as he wept silent tears.

“Do you want me to get Louise?” Phil asked as he dried his tears.

“No,” Dan said softly. Phil reached for Dan’s apple juice and instructed him to drink some.

“Come on love, let’s sleep then. You’ll feel better when you wake,” Phil said. Dan rested his head on Phil’s chest and closed his eyes.

“I’m gonna vomit,” Dan shot up in bed and grabbed the waste bin.

“Do you want me to get Louise?” Phil repeated.

“No,” Dan choked out before getting sick. Phil rubbed his back and pulled Dan’s long, curly locks out of the way, gasping when a clump of hair came out in his fingers. He bit his lip and tried to comfort Dan. When Dan threw up for a third time, Phil hit the call button.

“Oh dear,” Louise said as she came in, placing a hand on Dan’s back. He finished throwing up and sat up from where he leaned over the bin.

“I’m fine,” Dan said breathlessly. He took deep breaths and took a sip of the water Louise gave him.

“I’m going to get some anti-nausea medicine for you love,” Louise said. When she left, Dan pressed his palms into his eyes as he tried to fight the tears that were forming.

“This fucking sucks,” Dan said. Phil wrapped his arm around Dan and let him cry in silence for a while. Louise gave him his medicine and he fell tired. 

While Dan slept, Phil went down to the canteen to get lunch. He pushed his food around his tray, not really having an appetite. 

He couldn’t deny that this had all been quite harrowing for him. He felt guilty, knowing that Dan was going through a whole other world of distress, but it was hard trying to be strong for the both of them.

Phil wanted to do nothing more than cry seeing Dan like this. He couldn’t sleep because his dreams were filled with thoughts of something bad happening to Dan. He couldn’t eat because he was so stressed and filled with anxiety. All he could do was be happy and cheerful for Dan’s sake and his sanity. Phil hadn’t cried once during this whole ordeal. He didn’t understand why. His boyfriend, the love of his life, was ill with a life threatening illness. That was enough to even make the strongest of people break from the grief, and Phil was the kind of person who cried whenever he saw or read something sad.

But deep down, Phil knew that the second he started crying, he wouldn’t stop.

Phil went through his phone, reading the comments on their latest video. They made a video talking about their most embarrassing moments the other day, and while he was editing, Phil was nervous about uploading it because Dan definitely didn’t look well.

Dan insisted they go through with making the video, even though deep down, they both knew he really wasn’t up to it. Dan’s face was pale and he looked exhausted, his hair was curly and unruly since he feared damaging it with heat. Earlier that day was the first time Dan noticed he was beginning to lose his hair. 

Phil stumbled across quite a few comments questioning it.

_ “is dan ok? he looks rly sick.” _

Phil frowned as he hit reply. 

_ “He has a cold and he stayed up all night, but he’s okay” _

He hated lying to people about Dan’s condition, but he understood why he didn’t want everyone to know. He even told Phil to tell everyone back at school that Dan was at a boarding school in London. 

Phil eventually forced himself to eat, knowing he needed to keep his health up, especially since any infection meant he couldn’t be near Dan. As Phil passed the gift shop, he spotted a small lion plush in the window. He smiled as he stopped to admire it. In a spur of the moment decision, Phil bought the little lion.

He went up to Dan’s ward, where he had just woken up. He hid the lion behind his back as he entered the room. Dan appeared much better after his nap.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” Phil said. Dan smiled as he sat up in bed.

“It’s not even Christmas yet,” Dan said. “Plus you got me something already.”

“I don’t care, let me spoil you,” Phil said. He revealed the small stuffed lion to Dan, who smiled even more. “It’s a mini me!”

“You are so adorable,” Dan said, holding his arms out. Phil smiled and hugged him, placing a kiss on his forehead. 

“His name is Lion and I figured he could keep you company once I have to head back to school,” Phil said.

“I wish you could stay here with me all the time,” Dan said sadly as he looked down at the lion. “Things have been okay with you here, y’know? You keep me company, you soothe me when I don’t feel well, and I just feel better when you’re here.”

“I wish I could stay too,” Phil said. “But I’m going to come visit every weekend, and every holiday I’ll come visit. I graduate in 5 months time as well, and I’m going to use my uni savings to get a flat in London.”

“But what about York?” Dan asked.

“I’ll take a gap year,” Phil said. “I can find work and rebuild my savings. I just want to be here for you.”

“But what about your future? We’ve talked about this, I don’t want you to throw your future away just because I have cancer,” Dan said.

“We didn’t actually talk about it, you sort of just told me,” Phil said. “York is always going to be there. And there’s loads of great unis in London. You’re my future Dan, I’d be ruining my future by walking out on you when you needed me the most.”

“I just don’t want this to always be it,” Dan said. “I don’t want to be Dan Howell, that boy who has cancer. I don’t want you to be Phil Lester, the boyfriend to the cancer boy. I just want everything to be back to normal.”

“And that’s why you’ve got to fight this,” Phil said. “We’ll make it through this, love. Whatever it takes.”

It was Christmas Eve and Dan’s whole family was coming to visit. That night, Phil would have to go back home to spend Christmas Day with his family, but he planned on returning before the holiday was over and school started.

Dan had tried to make himself more presentable for the holiday. The previous day had definitely been a good day. He managed to get through chemo without losing his lunch, although he had a terrible headache all day. 

Dan had on a Christmas jumper, hiding the IV in his sleeve. He didn't want the focus of the holiday to be that he was sick. He manages to pull on a pair of jeans and kept his hospital socks on as he shuffled his way into the bathroom with Phil’s help.

“Can you get me my hairbrush?” Dan said. Phil grabbed the brush from Dan’s bag and watched him as he slowly brushed his hair. He kept getting caught in tangles, patches of hair coming out with the tangles. “Oh for fucks sake!” 

Dan threw the brush across the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He didn't have any visible bald patches from what he could see, but his thick curls had definitely thinned out and appeared shorter than he remembered.

“It's alright Danny, let me fix it,” Phil said. Using his fingers, Phil delicately laid his curls into place so they looked a bit neater. “Can I see a smile?”

“I'm gonna bite you,” Dan said, fighting back a smile. He gave in and smiled at his reflection. He didn't look that sick today. “Wanna walk around the hospital with me?”

“Whatever you want,” Phil said. They walked around the different parts of the hospital, just holding hands and not saying anything. 

“What time is your family coming in?” Phil asked, breaking the silence.

“Around 2 I think,” Dan said. He and Phil stopped and looked out the window. “If they ever let me out of here, I want to go do all the touristy things.”

“That could be really fun,” Phil said. He and Dan stared out of the window for a while. Dan noticed Phil was shifting his weight between his legs.

“Are you alright?” Dan asked. Phil pulled him into a kiss.

“I just… I really love you Dan.” Phil said with a smile. He reached into his pocket and handed Dan a small black box.

“What's this?” Dan asked. Phil opened it, revealing a pair of plain silver band. “What?”

“It's a promise ring,” Phil said. He reached into his pocket and grabbed his own. “It's a promise that I'm always going to be here for you.”

“I love you,” Dan said, pulling Phil into a hug. They put their rings on each other. “When did you escape to get these?”

“When they took you for scans,” Phil said. Phil glanced at his watch. “It's nearly chemo time.”

“Fun,” Dan groaned. He took Phil's hand as they headed back to his ward. Phil swung his arm back and forth, making Dan laugh. “You're actually 12.”

Phil chuckled as they continued their walk to Dan’s room. Dan went through his chemo and halfway through, Phil could tell that this was going to be a bad day.

Dan's happy and relaxed demeanour was gone and he looked unwell. Phil frowned as Dan hit the nurses button.

“What is it love?” Louise asked as she came into the room.

“I feel like I'm gonna vomit,” Dan said. 

“I'll get some medicine for you,” Louise said. As she left, Dan reached for the bin and got sick. 

It just so happens that at this moment, his family walked in.

Dan's mum, dad, and brother came to visit several times since he started chemo, but this was the first time they saw Dan actually get violently ill from the effects. His mum watched as Phil talked him through the nausea spell. Phil gently pushed his hair out of his face and handed him the water.

“Slow sips, alright?” Phil said. Louise came in and gave Dan his nausea medicine. Once he felt a little better, he finally turned to his family.

“Sorry about that,” Dan apologised. “I would love to get the holiday festivities started, but I think I want to sleep for a while first.”

“Whatever you need sweetheart. Your nan should be getting into town by time you wake,” Mrs. Howell said. She kissed Dan’s forehead as he got cozy and drifted off to sleep. Phil gestured for them to follow him.

“Thanks for staying with him, Phil,” Mrs. Howell said. “Work has been absolutely horrible about giving me time off to be with him.”

“And he totally understands that,” Phil said. “He just doesn't want this to affect everyone, and he really just wants things to be normal.”

“How are you holding up love? Your mum phoned,” Mrs. Howell said.

“I'm just trying to stay strong for him,” Phil said. He bit his lip, fighting the tears he felt starting to form. He willed himself to stop before he started crying. “It's hard seeing him like this and not being able to do anything but try and make him comfortable. He's been terribly depressed as well.”

“How are you feeling, emotionally?” Mr. Howell asked.

“Drained,” Phil scoffed. “Y’know? Like I just wanna take his place.”

“We all do,” Mrs. Howell said. 

“Most days he's just sleeping or getting sick, but he's been tired of staying in his bed all day,” Phil said. 

“Will Dan ever get to come home?” Adrian asked.

“We don't know yet,” Mrs. Howell said. Phil showed Dan’s family around the canteen, telling them which foods were the best and which foods weren't too great. 

By time they returned to Dan’s room, he was awake and feeling better, the medicine having kicked in. 

Dan was happy to go about normal holiday activities. The hospital had a Christmas dinner for the families that they planned on attending. Meanwhile, they sat in Dan’s room playing games.

Phil was filming Dan playing the games, his oversized jumper sleeves covering his hands as he laughed. He had a popper crown on his head and looked genuinely happy.

“I know Christmas is tomorrow, but I won't be here, so I want you to have your gift early,” Phil said.

“Phillll, you've already gotten me so much,” Dan said with a smile. Phil handed him a small box and Dan opened it, revealing a camera in the box.

“So you can make videos too,” Phil said. Dan gave Phil a hug and went over to his cupboard. He pulled out a wrapped present and handed it to Phil. 

“Everyone else gets theirs tomorrow, by the way,” Dan said. Phil opened the present and laughed.

“This is the exact same camera,” Phil chuckled looking at the camera and smiling. He gave Dan a kiss. “Good, because I was actually jealous of the camera I got you.”

While Dan and his family were heading off to dinner, Martyn came to pick up Phil. Dan broke away from his family for a few minutes to say goodbye. Phil held Dan’s hand and pulled him into a kiss. 

“Don’t miss me too much,” Dan said with a smirk. 

“You know I’m gonna miss you loads,” Phil said. “2 days and I’ll be back. Call me, Skype me, text me, whatever.”

“Do me a favour when you come back,” Dan said. He looked down and sighed, running his fingers through his hair and showing Phil the clump that came out. He looked back up with Phil, tears in his eyes. “I can’t do this. I didn’t think it would be this traumatic, but I can’t do it. I just want it all off at my free will, not chemo’s.”

“Of course Danny,” Phil said with a sad smile. Dan pulled Phil into a hug.

“I love you,” Dan said. Phil kissed him softly.

“I love you too.”

* * *

It was New Year’s Eve, and everyone was piling onto the balcony for the big countdown. Dan and Phil were sitting on the balcony when they realised it was 10 minutes until the new year. Dan looked at Phil as he saw the time. Phil smiled as he took Dan’s hand, sneaking off of the balcony with him and into his hospital room. Phil went into his bag and pulled out the clippers while Dan placed his camera on the chair, hitting record as he sat back.

“Are you sure you want to record this?” Phil asked. Dan nodded.

“I’m taking control this time. Not cancer. I want to remember this moment forever,” Dan said. Phil sat on the sofa behind him, Dan sitting between Phil’s legs. Dan took deep breaths as Phil turned on the clippers. He watched the curls fall from his head and the new sensation of bare skin atop his head. It didn’t take long before Phil turned the clippers off, brushing the last remains of Dan’s hair off of his head.

“All done,” Phil said. Dan stood, grabbing the camera and going into the bathroom to take in his new appearance.

“The last time I was this bald, I was a newborn,” Dan joked. Phil came in and put the hair in the bin, standing behind Dan.

“You look so beautiful,” Phil whispered. “Come on, your family is probably wonder what’s taking us so long.”

Dan and Phil walked to the balcony, hand in hand. Dan’s mum caught sight of Phil and looked at Dan, slightly shocked at first.

“New year, new me yeah?” Dan said. 

“You look lovely dear,” Mrs. Howell said. The countdown stated, Phil standing behind Dan with his arms around him as they counted in the New Year.

“5...4...3...2...1!” Everyone counted down. Fireworks went off and everyone erupted into cheer. While a new year meant a new beginning for most people, for everyone on that balcony, it meant that they saw something that was never promised to them; another year.

Dan kissed Phil softly as the celebrations went on around them. They knew that 2010 was probably going to be the hardest year they faced, but they didn’t dwell on that. All that mattered was that they were together and enjoying the time that the did have.


	5. Breathing

_ And if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones. // 'Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs. // Setting fire to our insides for fun _

Youth - Daughter

 

It had been a month since Dan started chemotherapy. Dan’s doctors estimated that he would need at least 4 more months of chemo, and Dan wasn’t too thrilled to have to spend so much time in hospital.

After New Year’s, Phil stuck around for another week before he returned to Reading for school. He and Dan spent his good days making videos. Dan wore a llama hat to hide his baldness since he was still quite reluctant to reveal that he was sick and in hospital.

It seemed like overnight DanAndPhilDiary had grown to internet fame. They had somehow hit 10,000 subscribers over the past month, their fans constantly requesting more and more content, something Dan was sad he couldn’t deliver on. They told their followers that Dan lived in London and Phil lived in Reading so they couldn’t always make videos together to explain their lack of content.

Phil having to return to Reading made Dan slowly fall into a pit of depression. Phil being his normal, sunshine self kept Dan together, but Dan spent most of his days alone with his thoughts. He felt too sick after chemo to socialize with the other patients. The nurses told him depression was a normal side effect of treatment, but Dan felt like it was a side effect of life.

He had succumb to the sad realities of life. He had Phil to make him ignore that ever since they first became friends when he was 13, but now all Dan could think about was the meaning of life and his own mortality. He didn’t like to dwell on the fact, but he knew, deep down, that his odds of ever walking out of the hospital were slim. The anti-depressants he had been prescribed would hopefully stop those thoughts.

Since the standard school year had started back up after the holiday, Dan started to go to the hospital school. He usually did his chemo at lunchtime, so Dan preferred to just do his work in his room with a tutor. He was sat in bed working on his maths during his chemo, planning on getting a headstart on his literary work before the tutor came. Louise came into the room.

“You’re all done for today Dan,” she said, unhooking his IV. “How are you feeling?”

“Good, actually,” Dan said as he closed his maths book.

“Any nausea?” Louise asked.

“Nope, just immense boredom. I’ve been in this room far too long,” Dan said.

“If you’re feeling up to it, you should go down to the school. A nice change of scenery and you can meet some of the other patients,” Louise said. Dan thought about it for a moment before grabbing his books and shoving them into his backpack. He pulled on a jumper and pulled his llama hat on.

Dan pulled his fluid IV drip along with him as he found his way to the classrooms and walking into the secondary school room. He was nervous at first. He had never been the new kid, and the second he stepped into the classroom, everyone looked at him.

“Hello, you must be Daniel,” Mr. Warren said. Dan nervously waved.

“I usually go by Dan,” Dan said.

“Ollie, can you fill Dan in on today's assignment?” Mr. Warren asked. Ollie waved over at Dan and Dan took a seat.

“Hey mate, I barely recognised you,” Ollie said, pulling out a seat for Dan. Dan pulled his hat off and shoved it in his bag before pulling out his books. “Did you shave it?”

“On New Year’s yeah,” Dan said. “I didn't see you on the holidays.”

“I didn't feel up to it,” Ollie said. He pulled out the literature book and opened it to  _ The Canterbury Tales _ .

“I've been to Canterbury before,” Dan said with a smile, looking at the picture of the cathedral printed in the book. “When I was 13, Phil's older brother had to do a project on it, and he invited me to go with him. It's really cool.”

Dan and Ollie went through their reading and helped each other fill out the questions they were given. Halfway through the lesson, Dan got the feeling in the pit of his stomach. He covered his mouth and tried to fight the feeling.

“You alright?” Ollie asked. “Uh, Mr. Warren, I think Dan is going to blow chunks.”

“I’m fine,” Dan said as he felt his lunch climb up his throat. He rushed over to the wastebin and got sick.

“Ollie, can you go with him back up to your ward?” Mr. Warren asked.

“I’m fine!” Dan protested. “Please, I just want to be out of that godforsaken room!”

“If you’re up to it,” Mr. Warren said. “I’ll fetch a janitor.”

Once Mr. Warren left, everyone started talking to each other.

“Hey, thanks Dan,” a girl said from the other side of the room.

“Everyone just waits for someone to get sick so we can all talk,” Ollie explained. “Most of us are in different wards, and this is the only time we really get to hang out.” The girl from the other side of the room walked over to them.

“I’m Abby,” she introduced. “I’m waiting for a lung. And I assume you’re getting pumped with chemicals every day?”

“Yeah,” Dan said.

“He’s got leukaemia, same as me,” Ollie said.

“How long have you been here? I haven’t seen you around,” Abby said.

“Just over a month,” Dan said.

“Don’t get too heavy on the flirt game, Abby. He’s taken,” Ollie said.

“Aww, what’s her name?” Abby asked. “I’m a big romantic.”

“Phil, his name is Phil,” Dan said.

“Shut up!” Abby said. “I thought you looked familiar! You’re  _ the _ Dan!”

“What?” Dan asked.

“I watch your videos! I had no idea you had cancer!” Abby said.

“I don’t really like people to know…” Dan said softly. Abby looked at him understandingly.

“Of course. I told people I’m in London for boarding school,” Abby said. Dan laughed.

“Me too!” Dan said with a laugh.

“Phil knows, yeah?” Abby asked.

“Of course. He stayed here with me during winter break. He’s coming back for his birthday later this month,” Dan said. “We actually filmed quite a few videos here, just carefully cropping out any hospital-y things out of frame. I just don’t want people to pity me, you know? I just want somewhere where I can be Dan, you know? Not Dan, the cancer patient.”

“We should do something fun after class,” Abby said. “Ollie, we need your room.”

“For what?” Ollie asked.

“Operation Pizza.”

* * *

“Are you sure this will work?” Dan asked as he emptied his hoodie pocket that was filled with medical tape.

“We’ve done this like 5 times down on my ward,” Abby said. “The food here sucks! We’re sick enough without that crap they give us.”  She grabbed the tape and started to write on the window.

“Don’t just stand there you two, help!” Abby demanded. Dan chuckled and grabbed a roll of tape and helped write  _ “SEND PIZZA - WARD 5” _

“So you guys have done this a lot?” Dan asked.

“We get bored here,” Abby said. “What have you been doing since you got here anyway?”

“Honestly? Contemplating life,” Dan said. “They say it's a side effect of the chemo, but really it's-”

“A side effect of dying?” Ollie asked.

“Of missing Phil,” Dan said softly. “He was there in the beginning, but he has to finish off secondary school and I understand why he’s not here anymore, but I still wish he was here.”

“You two really are as close as you seem in the videos,” Abby said.

“It's like I don’t really remember life before meeting him,” Dan said. “He’s my best friend.”

“Let’s watch one of these videos,” Ollie said.

“Let’s not…” Dan said. Before he could further protest, Abby had a video pulled up on her phone. Dan laughed and cringed as they watched the video.

“Ollie, you have dialysis and some explaining to do,” Louise said.

“Don’t attack him, Lou, it was all my doing. I just took used his primo room location for maximum pizza delivery,” Abby said, laughing as she walked out of the room.

“Well Dan there’s pizza in the lounge now, Ollie, let's get you to dialysis,” Louise said.

Dan went into the lounge where all the other patients were excited from the charity of the people of London. Dan took a slice and sat next to Abby.

“Works every time,” she said with a smile.

“Why does Ollie have dialysis? We have the same cancer and I don’t have dialysis,” Dan asked.

“He hasn’t told you, has he?” Abby asked.

“Told me what?” Dan inquired. Abby put down her pizza and led Dan onto the balcony.

“Ollie is really, really sick,” Abby said. “I mean we all are, but they’re just making Ollie comfortable right now. He’s been in and out of hospital since he was 4. He finally got into remission when he was 7, but it came back super aggressive when he was 14. His bone marrow transplant didn’t work and his kidney’s are failing. They say if he doesn’t get a kidney soon, he’s not gonna make it.”

“I had no idea…” Dan trailed off.

“I overheard some nurses saying that they don’t know how he’s made it this long,” Abby said sadly. “I always try to have fun with him so he doesn’t dwell on it. He’s really good at hiding how sick he feels, but when he doesn’t think anyone is looking, he looks so miserable.”

“I have to go,” Dan said, fighting back tears. He rushed to his room and grabbed his phone and called Phil.

“Hello?” Phil answered.

“Philly,” Dan whispered before he started crying.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asked.

“I just really miss you,” Dan said.

“I’m still at school right now, do you want me to Skype you when I get home?” Phil asked.

“Please,” Dan said. “I just want to see your face.”

“I’m going to class right now, but I’ll text you love,” Phil said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Dan said before he hung up. He sighed as he stared at the ceiling. He could feel himself getting sucked into the void of dark thoughts, so he grabbed his laptop and logged into Twitter.

He relaxed a bit, going through his feed. He saw a tweet with a picture of the note he, Abby, and Ollie made with the caption  _ ‘these kids are smart’ _ . He laughed as he favourited the tweet.

He was pulled out of his dark thoughts when he heard a knock at the door.

“Dan, you won’t believe what just happened!” Abby exclaimed.

“What?” Dan asked.

“Some poor bloke, god rest his soul, was in an accident,” Abby said. “He’s brain dead and Ollie and I are a match for him.”

“No way!” Dan said with a smile. Abby pulled Dan into a hug.

“Ollie is already getting prepped, but we can swing past real quick before he goes,” Abby said. They went to Ollie’s room where he was lying in bed with a smile on his face.

“Cancer can kiss my ass,” Ollie said with a smile. Dan and Abby hugged him.

“When we get back from surgery, we should make a note for ice cream,” Abby said.

“That’s what I always loved about you,” Ollie said. Dan’s eyes grew wide as he pulled Abby into a kiss. She stared back at him, eyes wide and smiling.

“Ollie needs his rest before surgery,” Louise said softly. Abby blushed as she and Dan made their way out of the room.

“See you on the other side,” Ollie said. Dan and Abby went into the lounge and watched whatever show the other kids in the room were watching.

“He just kissed me, yeah?” Abby asked. Dan chuckled. 

“That was a kiss alright,” Dan said.

“But what does that mean!? Does he like me? Does he want to date? I have questions here!” Abby laughed. “I’m just so happy we’re both getting our organs.”

“What’s the first thing you want to do when you get your new lungs working?” Dan asked.

“I used to be a dancer. That’s how I found out I had CF,” Abby said. “I just want to dance again. By time I was at this age, I wanted to be in the Royal Academy. I actually have a chance now with my new lungs.”

“I’m so happy for you guys,” Dan said. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do when I’m better.”

“Marry Phil,” Abby teased. Dan smiled, but then remembered.

“I’ve gotta go! Good luck tomorrow Abby,” Dan gave her a hug and went to his room, where he had his 5th missed call from Phil on Skype. Dan immediately called him back.

“Why didn't you answer?” Phil asked with a laugh.

“Sorry, I was talking to a friend,” Dan said.

“You seem a bit happier,” Phil noted. “How did chemo go?”

“I got sick during class,” Dan frowned. “But I made a couple friends, Ollie and Abby.”

“That's good. What all did you do today?” Phil asked.

“I went down to the school, which was nice. It was my first time going and it felt great to actually leave the ward. After class, we went into Ollie’s room and wrote send pizza on the window with medical tape,” Dan said, chuckling.

“That was you?! I meant to ask you about that, it was all over Twitter,” Phil said.

“It was Abby’s idea,” Dan said with a smile.him

“So you seemed quite sad when you first called,” Phil said. “D’you wanna talk about it?”

“It was about Ollie,” Dan trailed off. “Abby told me that he's really, really sick. He has the same cancer as me, but he's had it for almost his whole life. His kidney’s were failing, but he finally got his new kidney tonight. And Abby is getting her lungs in the morning.”

“That's fantastic,” Phil said.

“Oh and get this, Abby is a subscriber! When you come visit, you have to meet her. I'm sure it will make her day,” Dan said.

“I'll be there next weekend for the big 1-8,” Phil chuckled. “God, I feel old already.”

“Seems like just yesterday we were 13 and 14, eh?” Dan said nostalgically.

“Oh, I got some pictures printed for your room. The entire Dan and Phil timeline, basically. And because I love you, I even have  _ the  _ picture in here,” Phil said.

“You mean  _ the _ picture?  _ The _ picture of you looking like you're about to drop out of school and join Fall Out Boy?” Dan asked.

“That's the one. Guy liner and all,” Phil laughed. “I was 15 and thought it was cool.”

“Oh yeah, totally,” Dan joked.

“Hey, you fell in love with guy liner Phil,” Phil argued jokingly.

“What can I say? I came for the eyeliner and stayed for the cuddly lion,” Dan said. Dan and Phil went on to seemingly talk about everything and nothing before they fell asleep on Skype together.

* * *

 

Dan awoke to see Phil had put a sticky note in frame on the laptop.

_ “You look so cute sleeping :3 Went to the coffee shop, call back soon <3 Awrf~” _

Dan smiled as he ended the call and stretched out.  He sat up and shuffled down the hall to see if Ollie was back from surgery. He entered the room to see Jessica, the weekend nurse, putting his things into a box.

“Is Ollie going to a different ward?” Dan asked. Jessica looked down as she placed Ollie’s hat in the box. She walked over to Dan and led him out of the room.

“I'm sorry to say, but Ollie died during his transplant,” Jessica said.

“He what?!” Dan exclaimed.

“His body was too weak,” Jessica started.

“No,” Dan said. “No! He was fine yesterday! We were making jokes and having fun and playing games! And-and he can't be dead! He's not dead!”

Jessica held Dan as he started crying. She lead him to his room where he called Phil.

“Hey love, I was just about to-”

“I need you,” Dan sobbed. “I need you so fucking much. Philly…”

“What happened baby, what's wrong?” Phil asked.

“Ollie’s dead,” Dan choked out. He could hear something fall from Phil’s end of the phone.

“I'm on my way.”

Within an hour, Phil came rushing into the hospital room to find Dan sitting by the window sill, his knees pulled to his chest. Phil sat next to him and held him as he cried his eyes out.

Dan eventually cried himself to sleep, so Phil carried him to bed. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly as he slept.

Jessica came in and woke him up for chemo. Dan was silent as he did his treatment, Phil sitting next to him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil broke the silence.

“He had the same cancer as me,” Dan said softly. “Ollie had ALL too. The last thing he ever saw was this hospital. Is that gonna happen to me?”

“As long as you don't stop fighting, it won't,” Phil said. “You're so strong, Danny. I know you can fight this.” Dan rested his head against Phil’s, their fingers linked.

“I don't know how to break it to Abby,” Dan said. “She was so excited because they had kissed. She's probably still in recovery from her transplant.”

“I'll go with you,” Phil offered.

“I need a bigger favour from you,” Dan said.

“Whatever you need Bear,” Phil said. Dan sat up and looked at Phil seriously.

“I want you to break me out of here,” Dan said.

“Are you mental!?” Phil exclaimed. “Dan, you have to stay in hospital. It's dangerous out there for you.”

“I'm not some fragile broken human,” Dan said. “I'll come right back, no one will even know I left.”

“Dan…”

“Please. Phil, this is the only thing I want. I just want to be away from this place. I want to be normal, just for a few hours. I want to been a stupid teenager again, I want to have hair again, I just want to be okay!” Dan sobbed. Phil bit his lip and pulled Dan into his arms.

“Okay."


	6. Mistake

_ And I know the moment's near // And there's nothing we can do // Look through a faithless eye // Are you afraid to die? // It scares the hell out of me // And the end is all I can see _

Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist - Muse

Abby took Ollie’s death hard.

She, along with Dan and Phil hosted a memorial for him. Abby had known him for 3 years and talked about all of the things they would do in hospital before he got really, really sick. It broke Dan’s heart to hear the story, and made Phil scared for what the future held for Dan.

Phil excused himself back to Dan’s room and grabbed his bag. He was in such a rush to get to London that he had just randomly thrown a change of clothes and some toiletries into his backpack. He went into the bathroom and dug to the bottom of his bag and pulled out two medicine bottles.

He took his medicine and stared at the mirror, hating himself for hiding his true emotions behind a smile. He reminded himself it was all for Dan’s sake and turned his attention to the row of burns on his forearm.

The first one had been an accident. Phil being the clumsy person he is had laid his arm on his hair straightener and burned himself. Filled with immense pain, Phil realised that was the first time since Dan went into the hospital he felt anything. Phil had been so emotionally numb, and pretending to be content when he wanted to do nothing more than break down was draining him. The burns helped him relieve that emotional strain.

But he couldn't tell Dan.

The remainder of Phil’s visit was rather solomon. Dan was left emotionally shocked by Ollie’s death, so Phil tried to get his mind of off things. They had a plethora of questions to answer from their rapidly growing fan base, so Dan was able to distract himself while they filmed a video. Phil returned to Reading the next day with a list of ideas of things to do next weekend when Dan snuck out of the hospital. Phil of course knew it was absolutely idiotic, but he wanted Dan to be happy.

The week went on painfully slowly. School was a blur, Phil spending his time finishing off the final classes he needed in order to graduate and trying to make conversation with his friends about anything except Dan. Every night when he got home, his emotions on the edge and the medicine not working, he would return to burning himself with his hair straightener.

Martyn didn’t know to what extent Phil’s mental illness had gotten to, but he was concerned when he noticed the change in Phil’s behaviour. He took his younger brother to talk to a therapist, where he was given antidepressants and antianxiety medication. Martyn made Phil promise he would go talk to them every week, but Phil never did. The only relief he truly got was from Dan’s Skype calls and burning himself.

Saturday finally rolled around. Phil's family had a big breakfast in celebration for his 18th birthday, and then Phil was on the train to London. He walked into Dan’s room and to his surprise, saw Dan sat on the bed with a wig on that looked exactly like his hair before he shaved it.

“Happy birthday Philly. I wanted to be as normal as possible today,” Dan said. He hugged Phil tightly and gave him a kiss.

“You look lovely,” Phil said, caressing his face with a smile. “So how are we going to do this?”

“Very simply actually,” Dan said. He took Phil’s hand and led him out to the nurses station.

“Jessica, I'm a bit restless, so I'm going to walk around for a while with Phil,” Dan said.

“Okay, there's also a movie in the cinema if you want to see a film,” Jessica said.

“We might just do that,” Dan said. He led Phil to the elevator and they went straight to the lobby and out into the streets.

“That was way too easy,” Phil said, laughing as they ran to the Tube station.

“Well, where should we go?” Dan asked.

“Starbucks?”

“Starbucks.”

* * *

Phil filmed Dan stirring his caramel macchiato with his straw, laughing at his failed attempt.

“I don’t think it's doing anything,” Phil chuckled.

“Give me,” Dan took the camera from Phil and filmed him. “So today, Philip is a real man.”

“Oh yeah,” Phil said with a smirk, flexing his muscles.

“So now that you are a real man, what do you want to do?” Dan asked.

“Guess,” Phil said.

“Go to Tokyo Toys?” Dan asked.

“Of course!” Phil said. Dan laughed as he stopped filming. He took a sip of his coffee as he placed the camera down.

“So give me the big update. How’s school been?” Dan asked.

“PJ and Chris have asked about you,” Phil said. “I feel bad lying to them. They're our friends, don't you think they should at least know?”

“I just don't want people feeling bad for me all the time,” Dan said. “And the more people who know-”

“The more real it is,” Phil finished his sentence. “Let's get to the store, yeah?”

Dan and Phil finished their coffee and bundled up before going to the Tube station, where they filmed a couple more clips of themselves riding the Tube. As they waited to get to their stop, Dan rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. Phil wrapped an arm around him, using his other hand to keep themselves upright. He watched Dan adjust his IV bag, which he had carefully shoved into his messenger bag. While everything had been normal thus far, it reminded Phil that Dan was still seriously ill.

As they got off at Piccadilly, they heard someone call their name. They turned around to see two teen girls, not much younger than Dan, run up to them.

“Oh my god, we love your videos!” one of them said.

“Awe, thanks! We're actually filming a video right now, would you like to be in it?” Phil asked. They nodded and Phil pulled out his camera. “Dan and I were on the Tube and we bumped into some of you guys!”

“What's your names?” Dan asked.

“Anna and Ellie,” they said. They took selfies with them and signed their notebooks, very overwhelmed by the whole situation. They had never been recognized like this before, nor think they were YouTube famous enough for that to happen. As they were signing their notebooks, Dan started to feel a bit sick to his stomach.

“I hate to cut this short, but Phil and I have got to get going so we don't miss our exchange,” Dan said. They said their goodbyes to the fans and Dan hurriedly pulled Phil around the corner in the station, only making it to a trash can before getting sick.

“Danny,” Phil rubbed his back as Dan threw up. Dan took a few deep breathes. “Do you wanna head back to hospital?”

“No!” Dan said. “I'm fine, plus we're already here.”

“I don't want you to overdo it. I'm okay just watching films today-” Phil stated.

“Philly please. I'm having so much fun,” Dan said. Phil pulled him up, wrapping his arm around him.

“Only for a little while longer,” Phil said. They walked hand in hand up to the street level. Dan filmed their clasped hands and pointed the camera up to Phil’s face, capturing his smile.

They walked down Piccadilly Circus to the Trocadero Shopping Centre and went to Tokyo Toys. Dan and Phil filmed each other looking at the anime merch and making jokes about it before they picked out what they wanted to buy. Dan bought a Death Note poster and Phil bought an Ash Ketchum hat. As they were checking out, Phil looked down at his phone.

“Danny, we’ve been gone nearly 45 minutes, maybe we should head back before someone starts to worry,” Phil said.

“Can we do one more thing?” Dan asked. He batted his eyelashes at Phil and wrapped his arms around Phil’s arm. Phil bit his lip, trying not to give in. “It’s right by the hospital and won’t take long at all, I promise.”

“What?” Phil finally caved. 

“I haven’t been on the eye since my dad took me when it first opened.” Dan said. “I know it’s silly and childish-”

“And it’s 30 minutes just for one rotation, not to mention taking the Tube there and getting to the hospital and buying tickets and a line, Dan, no, we can’t,” Phil said. “Is it even safe for you to be trapped in a capsule with like 20 other people.”

“Please,” Dan begged. Phil sighed and shook his head.

“We are going directly to the hospital after. No ifs, ands, or buts,” Phil said sternly.

“I love you so much!” Dan kissed him and pulled his hand through the shopping centre and back to the Tube station.

They arrived at the London Eye and got into the queue to buy their tickets. The queue to get onto the Eye wasn’t terribly long, but the wait was estimated at 45 minutes, making Phil a bit nervous. They approached the queue, where security was scanning people, making Dan stop in his tracks.

“What’s the matter?” Phil asked as people walked around the stopped teens.

“Oh nothing, just I have a bag of fluid in my pocket attached to a port in my chest that probably will set off the alarms,” Dan said.

“If it does, just tell them the truth Danny. They can’t get mad because you have metal inside you, love,” Phil said. He went before Dan and passed the metal detectors with no problem. Dan stepped forward and immediately the alarms went off. Dan sighed as security pulled him aside.

“Please spread your legs and hold your arms out,” Security instructed. He started with Dan’s chest and his hand landed right on the lump that was Dan’s port. Dan sighed and pulled up his shirt.

“It’s a catheter port in my chest for chemotherapy. I have leukaemia,” Dan said. He lowered his shirt and showed the security his hospital band.

“My apologies. You can go through the fast queue with a disability,” the security guard said, which made Dan bite his lip. “I’ll take you.”

“My boyfriend is with me, he’s kind of here to make sure nothing goes wrong. It’s my first day out of hospital,” Dan said, soaking up the ‘disability’ he so called had. It pissed Dan off that he would say that, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t gonna milk the perks.

“You can come along with him as well,” the security guard gestured for Phil to follow. Phil left the standard lane and followed Dan to the fast lane. Phil took Dan’s hand as they followed security.

“What’s going on?” Phil asked.

“Cancer perks,” Dan shrugged. They got to the end of the queue, where the wait was estimated at 15 minutes. Phil held Dan’s hand as the younger boy sat on the railing of the queue. Phil smiled upon seeing Dan’s smile, but couldn’t shake the feeling that they shouldn’t chance going onto the Eye when Dan was so vulnerable, but he knew Dan didn’t like to be ‘the victim’, and he didn’t want to bring it up. Phil rested between Dan’s legs, Dan wrapping his arms around him as if he was about to climb onto Phil’s back for a piggy back ride. Phil laughed, pulling out his camera and hitting record.

“I think Dan wants me to carry him,” Phil laughed.

“I’m too weak Philly,” Dan said dramatically, resting his head on Phil’s. The lady in front of them in line turned around.

“I can record it for you,” she offered. Phil handed her the camera and wrapped his arms around his back, supporting his bum as Dan wrapped his arms and legs around Phil. Dan counted him off and Phil pulled him off of the railing, Dan laughing as Phil took a few steps before spinning around a few times.

“Stop you buffoon!” Dan laughed. Phil chuckled as he placed Dan back on the railing, giving him a kiss. He thanked the lady for filming them and helped Dan down the railing as the line moved forward and they were let into the capsule.

Dan and Phil took their spot, hand in hand as they recorded their ride. Once they got to the top, Dan pulled on Phil’s sleeve to get his attention.

“I don't feel so good,” Dan said.

“Do you think you're going to get sick?” Phil asked. Dan shook his head.

“I just feel really weak all of a sudden,” Dan said. “I dunno, like I'm gonna faint.”

“Okay love, let's go sit down,” Phil said. He took Dan to the benches in the centre of the pod, where a group of teenagers were sitting.

“Excuse us, could my boyfriend have a seat?” Phil asked.

“No way, we were here first!” One of the girls with an obvious Southern American accent. Dan turned to the trash bin behind him and got sick, Phil rushing to his side as well as the attendant for the capsule.

“A bit of motion sickness?” The attendant asked.

“He's currently being treated for leukaemia,” Phil explained. The attendant made the teens move so Dan could sit, Phil sitting next to him as he dug through his bag for a bottle of water. He handed it to Dan and made him take slow breaths. The attendant informed them that it would only be a few minutes before they got off.

As Dan rested his head in Phil’s shoulder, he heard someone coughing harshly in the capsule. He turned to see the boy that had been sitting next the bench as the source of the cough. He nudged Phil to look.

“Danny…” Phil trailed off once it dawned on him. He quickly took off his scarf and gave it to Dan, helping him wrap it around his mouth.

“You were right, coming here was stupid,” Dan said. Phil led him off of the capsule and they walked in silence to the Tube. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and cried. Phil bit his lip as he held Dan, trying not to cry with him.

* * *

They managed to make it back to the hospital without the nurses ever discovering they had left. Dan was still feeling ill, so he slept with his head on Phil’s lap while he edited the video they took.

Phil stops to smile at the footage of himself giving Dan a piggy back ride. You can’t tell he’s sick. They look like two normal teenagers in love. It’s a happy clip. They’re happy, together, and alive.

He can’t help but think if he’ll get to play the clip at their wedding, or if it will be a part of his memorial at his funeral.

Phil dug his fingernail into his forearm so hard blood began to soak through his sleeve. When he felt Dan move, he finally stopped and went back to editing.


	7. Save Me

_ I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain // ‘Cause human beings are destined to radiate or drain // What line do we stand upon ‘cause from here it looks the same? // And only scars remain // Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels // I drown it with a drink and out of date prescription pills _

Save Myself - Ed Sheeran

**_danisnotonfire:_ ** _ something's wrong with Phil _

It was 3 am and Dan was sat upright in the hospital bed with the laptop resting on a few pillows. He bit the inside of his cheek as he pressed send. He didn't expect to get an immediate reply, but he did.

**_mookentooken:_ ** _ you've noticed it too? _

Dan sighed. He was hoping he was just overthinking things, but if Martyn thought something was wrong, something had to be wrong.

**_mookentooken:_ ** _ all he does is go to school and lock himself in his room. I took him to a therapist and they gave him medicine for anxiety and depression _

**_danisnotonfire:_ ** _ he didn't tell me that. _

Martyn filled Dan in on Phil’s changes while Phil lied in his bed, his hair straightener resting on his arm on a low heat. Phil’s mind was swirling with thoughts of the worst case scenario for Dan and how he wished he could be the one dying instead of Dan.

Dan had made no progress with the chemotherapy so far. He had a test scheduled for next week to determine the next course of action. The fear was that it had worsened, especially since Dan had been looking and feeling a lot sicker than before. Phil couldn't help but blame himself for stupidly helping Dan break out of the hospital.

Phil eventually took the straightener off of his arm and turned it off. He curled under his blanket and let sleep finally take him.

He awoke feeling a tight grip on his arm.

Phil’s eyes shot open when he saw Martyn holding his exposed, severely burned arm, tears flowing from his eyes.

“P-Philip, where did you get these?” Martyn asked. “How did you get these burns?”

Phil didn't say anything as he tried to pull his arm away.

“Let go,” Phil demanded.

“Did you do this to yourself?” Martyn asked. Phil tried to tug his arm away again, Martyn tightening his grip.

“Let go!” Phil said a bit louder.

“Not until you tell me the truth!” Martyn demanded. Phil looked away from his older brother when he saw the hair straightener in his bedside table. “I just want to help you Phil, please. You don't need to be doing this to yourself.”

“You don't know,” Phil whispered. “You have no idea what I'm going through, and you never will!”

“Then tell me what you're going through so I can try to understand,” Martyn said.

“Everyday I wake up and wonder if it's going to be the last day Dan is alive. I don't see him every day and my biggest fear is that he's going to die alone in that hospital. He's so scared, I can see it in his eyes every time I see him. He's trying so hard to pretend like he's okay, but I just know how sick he is. I'm trying to stay strong for him because the last thing I want is for him to see me break, but I'm falling apart Martyn. Do you know what it's like to watch something like this happen to someone you love?” Phil tried to fight back his tears, but they slowly began to flow.

“I do know what that's like,” Martyn said. “Watching them change overtime. Smiling less, eating less, looking less alive each day, I've seen that happen to someone I love dearly.”

“Who?” Phil asked.

“You,” Martyn said softly. “I know you're trying to stay strong for Dan, but it's killing you Phil. Keeping those feelings in is killing you.”

“I've never really had a best friend before,” Phil said. “When we first moved here, and when I met Dan, I learned what it was like to have a best friend. And then we fell in love and-” his voice cracked as he tried to fight back tears.

“And he's a part of me. There's no Dan without Phil and there’s no Phil without Dan. The universe would fall apart if we weren't together,” Phil said.

“Why have you been burning yourself?” Martyn asked.

“To feel something other than empty,” Phil said. “I can't feel anything. I can't feel happy, I can't feel sad, I just feel like I'm drowning and struggling to keep myself up for Dan’s sake, and I just wanna let go sometimes,” Phil said. “I burn myself whenever I wanna let go, so it brings me back to the reality that I can’t let go.”

“Have you talked with the therapist about this?” Martyn asked. Phil shook his head.

“I haven’t gone,” Phil admitted.

“Have you at least taken the medicine?” Martyn asked. Phil remained silent. “Philly, you need to. I hate seeing this happen to you. I’m worried, mum and dad are worried, even Dan is worried.”

“How do you know Dan is worried? He doesn’t even know I have anxiety,” Phil said.

“He told me he was,” Martyn said. “He understands that this is hard on you too.”

“He’s the one who’s sick, I have no right to complain or anything,” Phil said.

“You have to watch him go through that though, and that hurts a lot too,” Martyn said. Phil bit his lip as he took a deep breath.

“I’m miserable,” Phil admitted. “I have to sit there and watch him die and there’s nothing I can do but wish I could take his place. It’s not fair he has to go through this and it’s not fair that I can’t do anything.”

“All you can do is be there for him, but you can’t do that in your current state. I know you want to save him, but you need to save yourself first,” Martyn said. “I’ll pick you up from school and drive you to therapy myself. But you need to go Philly. Promise me you’ll go.”

“I will,” Phil said. Martyn pulled him into a hug, leaning over Phil and taking his hair straightner.

“No more of this either,” Martyn said, leaving the room. Once he was gone, Phil let out a frustrated sigh. He felt like the walls were collapsing on top of him and he couldn’t breathe. He started hyperventilating and fell to his knees, pulling his hair as he tried to pull himself together.

_ You need to stay sane for Dan. Do it for Dan, Philip. Come back to reality. _

Phil curled into himself and let out a strangled cry. From the floor, he saw something glimmer from under his desk. He reached for it to find an xacto knife that he had used for a science project. He pressed his back against his bedroom door and dried the tears that hadn’t even fallen yet.

“I’m sorry.”

* * *

Louise pushed Dan’s wheelchair to the glass window of the balcony. He pressed his hand against the glass and sighed.

He was having a particularly bad day. He couldn’t keep anything down and he hadn’t even had chemo yet for the day. He felt so drained he couldn’t even stand on his own two feet, and he was constantly feeling short of breath even if he didn’t do anything. They said his oxygen levels were low because he didn’t have enough healthy blood cells in his body so his lungs were working overtime to get more, so he had to use an oxygen tank to take some of the stress off his lungs.

“Are you alright Dan?” Louise asked.

“Do you ever get the feeling that something is terribly wrong?” Dan asked. “I know I’m sick and I always feel like that, but it's an even worse terribly wrong than being in hospital with cancer.”

“Is this about your test?” Louise asked softly. Dan shook his head.

“Phil,” he said quietly.

“What about him?” Louise asked.

“He’s changed.” Dan was overcome with a coughing fit. Louise handed him a water bottle and helped him take small sips. He looked at the thin layer of snow forming on the balcony through watery eyes. “Do you think I’ll ever feel snow again.”

“I know one day you’ll dance in the snow without a care in the world,” Louise said. “Let’s see if we can get you something light to eat so you can regain your strength.”

Dan was wheeled back into his room and helped into his bed. He grabbed his laptop and lazily went through their youtube comments.

_ why does dan look so sick :(( _

_ phil looks so exhausted too :( i hope they’re okay _

Dan rewatched the video and frowned. Through his smile, you could see his pain. His eyes were dark and lifeless, he skin was pale. Dan picked up the mirror they gave him and frowned. He looked even worse. He looked dead.

He took a drink of water and felt a wave of nausea overcame him. He knocked his laptop off of his lap in a rush to get the wastebin. Even though he only had water in his stomach, he emptied his stomach completely. He weakly called for Louise.

Why did he have to live like this?

Dan drifted off not to long after Louise gave him the nausea medicine and a new IV bag. As he fell asleep, he watched the steady drip of the IV and prayed it wasn’t the last thing he saw.

When Dan awoke, he saw his mum and Phil’s brother sitting next to him.

“Hi sweetheart. Louise was telling us you had a rough time today,” Mrs. Howell said.

“What are you doing here mum? You usually can’t come in the afternoon,” Dan said with a smile.

“We have some bad news sweetheart,” Mrs. Howell said. Martyn looked at her with sad eyes. Dan put his bed in the upright position as his mum took his hand and Martyn put his hand on Dan’s back.

“Phil is in hospital,” Martyn said.

“W-What?!” Dan gasped. “What happened? Is he okay?! I need to see him,” Dan tried to get out of bed.

“We need to talk about what happened first,” Mrs. Howell said.

“Dan, you need to know that this isn’t your fault,” Martyn started. “We think Phil tried to kill himself.”

“He what?!” tears started flowing freely. “W-Why would he do something like that? W-Why would Phil-” Dan hiccuped, his mum wrapping her arms around him as he started to cry hysterically.

“It’s not your fault,” Martyn repeated.

“Yes it is!” Dan sobbed. “I should’ve known he was depressed, why didn’t I say something?!” Dan sobbed. “He’s never been depressed before, not until I got sick. How can you say it’s not my fault-”

“He never told you?” Martyn asked.

“Told me what?” Dan asked. Martyn sighed as he took the hand his mum wasn’t holding.

“Back when we lived in Manchester, Phil was bullied a lot. He would hurt himself and one day he took a bunch of pills from our nan and tried to overdose. The school wouldn’t do anything about his bullies, so we moved to Reading, and he met you, and my baby brother was finally happy again,” Martyn said. “You showed him that life was worth living again. You did that.”

“Then why did he try to kill himself?” Dan asked.

“We’re not even sure if that was his intention,” Martyn said. “As much as I wanted to believe his depression had magically cured itself once he met you, I was stupid to think it didn’t. He was probably hiding it, especially if he didn’t even tell you after all these years. He’s been under so much pressure with uni applications-”

“And me,” Dan said. “I don’t care how many times you tell me it isn’t my fault, but you will never make me believe that me having cancer wasn’t a stressor in this.” Dan tried to dry his tears, but even more fell in their place.

“Can I see him?” Dan asked. “Is he at this hospital?”

“He was airlifted here because our blood bank had a shortage of his blood type,” Martyn said. “He's down in A&E.”

“Hand me the wheelchair,” Dan said, mustering up whatever strength he had in him to pull himself out of bed and into the wheelchair. His mum clipped the IV bag to the wheelchair and Martyn reached to push the wheelchair, but Dan began pushing himself. They made it to A&E, Dan asking for a moment alone once they got to the room.

Phil’s forearms were wrapped in bandages, his face peaceful and pale. Dan pushed himself to Phil’s side, gently taking his hand.

“Why…” Dan whispered. He didn’t know which why he was trying to find an answer for.  _ Why did you do this? Why didn’t I see this sooner? Why was I not there for him? _

Dan allowed himself to cry as Martyn and his mum entered the room.

“He’s just sleeping,” Martyn said. “They gave him sedatives and said that it’s best for him to sleep as much as he can the next few days. He hasn’t gotten much of it lately.”

“Do you think there’s anything we could’ve done...” Dan trailed off. His mum squeezed his shoulder.

“We didn’t know he was this bad...we did all we could do. All we can do now is wait for him to wake up and be there for him,” Martyn said.

Dan squeezed Phil’s hand tightly. 

_ I _ _ don’t know how much I’ll be able to help you, but I’m never going to leave your side Philly. I’m sorry I caused you this pain, but I’ll fix it if it’s the last thing I do. _


	8. Fighting

_ You’re the one at the foot of my bed trying to keep me alive at night // Using words as a comforter you said, “I don’t wanna fight, I don’t wanna fight” // But they, they sink into my skin // Pushing you out just to make their way in // If you can’t help it then I’ll push you away _

Ghosts - Pvris

He didn’t mean for this to happen.

Phil stared at his wrist, trying his hardest to stop the bleeding with a nearby shirt he found. He thought he had heard Martyn coming towards his room and had flinched, causing the blade to cut much deeper than he had intended. The cut was really deep and Phil knew it would need stitches, but they would send him to a mental hospital again if they found out, he wouldn’t be able to see Dan and he couldn’t handle that thought.  _ Dan needs me. Just stop bleeding, stop bleeding, stop crying, just stop...just stop...just stop breathing… _

Phil used all his strength to press onto the wound, feeling extremely cold as he pushed up on his feet. He stumbled to his desk to grab  the old first aid kit he had in the drawer. He failed to find it as he turned to find his room wouldn’t stop turning when he did. He took a step forward, falling onto the ground, knocking the contents of his bedside table to the ground. He looked at the now broken photo that lied on the ground next to him.

It was a picture of himself and Dan a couple years back, when their families went on holiday together to Italy. They had just begun dating a few months earlier. Phil reached his hand out to caress the image of when things were easier, back when Phil had finally remembered how to feel happy again, back when Dan wasn’t fighting for his life. He closed his eyes.

When he reopened them, he was in the hospital. He felt more tired than he had ever felt before as he tried to sit up, a dull pain throbbing in his forearm. He looked down to see it bandaged. He looked up at the foot of the bed to see Dan resting his head on the bed as he slept in the wheelchair. He looked sicker than Phil remembered. He even had an oxygen tank.

“Danny?” Phil whispered. Dan stirred, opening his eyes and smiling.

“Philly,” Dan pushed himself up on unsteady feet and fell into Phil. They clung onto each other as Dan cried hysterically. Phil squeezed him tighter. “Why did you do this?”

“I don’t know…” Phil whispered.

“Don’t say that,” Dan sobbed. “You don’t just wake up one day and decide to off yourself without some reason, just tell me Phil, please, talk to me.”

“I...I didn’t mean to,” Phil stuttered. “I didn’t mean to try and kill myself, oh god, I didn’t mean to cut that deep.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dan asked.

“I didn’t know how…” Phil trailed off. “...I didn’t know how to tell you without you thinking it was your fault.”

“It is though, isn’t it?!” Dan sobbed even harder. “I’m dying, and I’m making you watch me die. I’m forcing you to suffer, and that’s not fair to you. You didn’t sign up for this, and I shouldn’t have made you stay with me this whole time.”

“You’re not making me do anything Daniel, I am choosing to be here with you,” Phil snapped. “Don’t you ever for one second think that what I’m going through is because of you. I love you, I love you so much. Of course watching you go through this is painful, but it doesn’t compare to the feeling of pain I would have if I even thought of you going through this alone.”

“I know I should have told you sooner, but I’ve been sick for a long time Danny. Not like you sick, but in my head,” Phil sighed as he took Dan’s hands. “I try to be the happy one, I try to smile all the time, but deep down, I’m drowning. I’ve been drowning for a long time, long before I even met you. It was you that finally through a life preserver at me, it was you who finally taught me how to swim.”

“I have depression. I’m good at pretending that I’m okay, because the longer I tell myself that I am, the more I’ll start to believe it. I got better when we moved to Reading and when I fell in love with you, but it didn’t cure me. I still get sad a lot, I still feel like dying sometimes. Things have been so stressful that I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I just felt empty all the time, empty, numb, and lifeless. I started hurting myself to get rid of that feeling. Martyn found out and I panicked and went to far. The last thing I would do is leave you alone when you’re still fighting this battle,” Phil explained. He reached up to dry Dan’s tears.

“You’ve done more than enough for me Philly,” Dan whispered as he fell into Phil’s arms. “I’m going to be here for you through this fight. I promise love.”

“I may not get to see you for a while,” Phil said softly. “I don’t know where they'll send me for treatment, but I might not get to see you.”

“I understand,” Dan whispered. “I just want you to get better, so when I get better we can go back to how things were. The Adventures of Lion and Bear.”

“We can solve crimes together,” Phil said with a teary smile.

“Like a canon johnlock,” Dan finished. Phil held Dan until Martyn returned to tell him he had to go back up to his ward. Phil kissed him softly before Dan positioned himself on his wheelchair and pushed himself out of the room.

“How are you feeling?” Martyn asked.

“Drained,” Phil said, lying back down as he sighed. “Physically and emotionally.”

“That's the sedatives,” Martyn said. He watched Phil stare off into the distance. “Philly…”

Martyn squeezed Phil’s hand tightly. “Please don't leave us like this,” Martyn said with tears in his eyes.

“If he leaves me, I can't make that promise,” Phil said blankly. “When did it get that bad?”

“What do you mean?” Martyn asked.

“He was struggling to breathe just now…” Phil said. “He couldn't even stand for one second before he fell over….when did it get that bad?”

“The past week or so…he just started taking a turn for the worse symptom wise,” Martyn admitted. “His mum said his oxygen levels were down because his body can't make enough healthy blood that can carry oxygen, so he's been feeling short of breath all the time. It's not necessarily a sign that he's getting worse…”

“But it's a sign that he's not getting better,” Phil said. He closed his eyes and focused on the pain in his wrist to keep himself from drowning again. “If he can’t get better, then I’ll get better for the both of us.”

“You need to get better for yourself first,” Martyn said. “I know you’re the kind of person that puts everyone first, but this time, it needs to be you that comes first. I don’t want to lose you.”

“And I don’t want to lose him,” Phil said. Dan wiped the tears from his face as he pushed himself away from Phil’s door. He had heard everything.

Phil had just smiled through all his pain, and now Dan was going to do that for him. He didn’t know if he was getting sicker, he didn’t know if he was going to die soon, but all he did know was the love of his life was hurting, and if seeing him get better helped, he would go down swinging.

* * *

Dan saw Phil off when he was discharged from the hospital and admitted to a treatment centre not too far from the hospital. 

Upon arriving to the treatment centre, Phil met with all the doctors, nurses, and therapist that would be treating him. They sat his bag down on the table and went through it.

Martyn packed his bag, putting lounge clothes, a couple books, his notebook, and his iPod in there. They got to the bottom, where a Totoro plush lied. Phil smiled as he looked at it.

“Dan insisted,” Martyn said. The nurses removed the strings from Phil’s clothes and handed Martyn his notebook.

“He can’t keep a spiral notebook, we have one that we’ll give him though,” she explained. “He can’t keep these either.” She handed him the iPod and headphones.

“I can keep Toto though?” Phil picked up the grey plush and held it tightly.

“That’s fine,” she said. Phil held it closely as they repacked his bag and handed it to him.

“When you shower, we’ll provide you with all your toiletries,” the nurse explained. “This is your schedule, today you’ll just be getting settled in, but you’ll start following it tomorrow. Do you have any questions?”

“No,” Phil said, holding the Totoro close. The nurse beckoned them to follow them down the hall.

Phil couldn’t help but realise how depressing the atmosphere was as they walked down the residence halls. It felt worse than the one he stayed at back in Manchester. The walls were plastered with colourful drawings and words of encouragement, but the people just looked miserable. They finally arrived at Phil’s room.

It was bare, save for the bed and desk. He had a small closet to keep his things in and the desk had a notebook and pencils stocked for him. The bed had a dark blanket on it and a single pillow.

“Dinner will be at 6, a nurse should be around with your medicine at 5,” the nurse explained. Phil nodded and hugged his family goodbye.

“Keep me updated on Dan?” Phil asked. “He’s supposed to get test results back today, let me know how it went.”

“Will do,” Mrs. Lester said, giving Phil one last kiss before they had to leave.

Phil sat at the desk and opened the notebook. The first page had a little chart that read ‘monthly habits’. It was a list of things, like taking medicine, doing schoolwork, how you felt. It had a box next to it for each day, with a sticky note that read, “How is Philip today?”

He filled in the boxes for irritated, anxious, stressed, angry, and sad. He flipped to the next page that read “What is Philip grateful for today?”, to which he answered Dan. He flipped through the notebook, which had a bunch of things to do, like things that make him mad and sad, thoughts after therapy, a list of things to do instead of hurting himself, and a spot for him to list reasons to live.

“Dan,” Phil said with a smile. It was all him. He made him happy, he made him want to live, he made him not want to hurt himself. Cancer, on the other hand, ruined everything. It made him mad and sad and want to do this bad things to himself. How dare cancer come into their lives and ruin everything?!

Phil closed the notebook and sat on the floor with Totoro in his hands as he cried. He just wanted Dan to hold him and for everything to be alright. He wanted anything but for their lives to be going the way they currently were.

“I just need a miracle,” Phil whispered. “Please, just take his cancer away. Let the test come back that he doesn’t have cancer anymore,  _ please _ .”

* * *

Dan’s dad pushed him into the office as they sat on either side of him across from the doctor. His parents took his hands as the doctor took off his glasses and sighed.

“It’s not looking good,” Dr. Lieberman said. “At this point in treatment, we expect your counts to be low enough for us to move on to outpatient chemo, but they're substantially worse than when we first started.”

“What can we do then? Chemo was supposed to work,” Dan asked.

“We can try a stronger chemo, radiation, and we can put you on the donor list for a bone marrow transplant,” Dr. Lieberman said.

“And my chances of walking out of this hospital?” Dan asked. Dr. Lieberman was silent. 

“We’re doing everything possible to make that happen,” Dr. Lieberman said. “Is there anything that you want to do Dan? Any wish you want, we’ll make it happen.”

“I want to marry Phil,” Dan whispered at first. “I want to marry Phil. I want Phil to be my husband. If I’m going to die, it’s going to be as Daniel Lester.”

“You’re not gonna die for a long, long time though Danny,” Mrs. Howell said with tears.

“Life’s short and he’s hot,” Dan said with a smile. “I know it's not legal or whatever, but there’s gotta be something, someway we can say that Dan Howell and Phil Lester loved each other and were a part of each other.”

“I’ll make some calls, but if that’s what you want, we’ll do everything we can to make it happen,” Dr. Lieberman said.

“That’s enough for me,” Dan said. He zoned out as his parents talked more about his treatment options from here.

After the meeting, Dan told his parents he really wanted fish and chips from Micky’s, which was a while away from the hospital. Once he was alone, he put on his wig and grabbed his laptop. He took the cannulas out of his nose and pulled a jacket on to cover the IV and hospital bracelet before hitting record.

“Hello internet, sorry Phil and I haven’t uploaded anything in a while…” Dan started. “But the truth is we’ve been keeping something from you. I...I’ve been sick ever since we started this channel. And not just a bad cold like we’ve been saying, but the truth is, I have a pretty life threatening condition,” He pulled off the wig and pushed the nose cannulas back in, taking a couple deep breaths once he did. He didn't realise how short of breath he got without the little tubes in his nose.

“I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia a few weeks before Christmas and for the past few months, I’ve been in hospital receiving treatment. I didn’t want to tell you guys at first because I was afraid of talking about it because I didn’t want it to be real, but I wanted to let you guys know since you’ve all been worried.

“I don’t want you guys to worry about me, or think of me differently. I’m still Dan and I’m trying everyday to not let cancer define me because if I do, it’ll win,” Dan said. “You guys and my loving boyfriend Phil are helping me get through this. Phil has been here for me this whole time, making sacrifice after sacrifice for me. I’m forever thankful for his love and support while I battle cancer. Despite the fact I’m sicker than I’ve ever been before, with Phil, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And I want to thank you guys for your love and support from here on out. Maybe since we’re not hiding the big secret anymore we can make more videos? Give us some ideas down below.”

“I’m not sure how to end this video…” Dan chuckled. “See you next time.”

Dan stopped recording and uploaded the video onto their channel with no editing, simply titled “I’m Sick”. He closed his laptop as his parents came in with the fish and chips. He managed to stomach it and enjoy the remainder of their visit before the headed back to Reading for the night.

Dan grabbed the notebook on his bedside table and sat up in bed. Phil wasn’t allowed his cell phone, so Dan was going to write him letters and call him when Phil was given phone time. The more Dan thought about it, the more he realised the hospital sounded like a prison. Here, Dan could have his cell phone, laptop, whatever he wanted. Granted, he guessed with Phil it was a health risk for him to have these things or whatever. Dan didn’t agree taking away Phil’s connection to the outside world was a good decision if they wanted Phil to get better, but he was no psychiatrist.

_ Dear Phil, _

_ I’m writing this the night after you were admitted. I really miss you alot and I can’t wait to hear your voice and see your face again. I’m not sure if and when you’ll have access to a computer, so I’ll give you a couple updates of the outside world lolzr. _

_ We’ve reached 750,000 subscribers, can you believe it!? That’s so many people that care about us and our silly little videos. They’ve all seemed super worried about me being sick, I even saw a couple tumblr post speculating what was wrong. I decided to make a video telling them about the leukaemia. _

_ It felt right because I talked with the doctor today. He was hoping I would be well enough to start outpatient treatment by now, but it looks like I’ll be calling the Children’s Hospital home a little while longer. He wants to try a couple different things to see if we can speed this along. Our subscribers have been begging for new videos, so now we can make them without having to go through all the trouble of hiding my condition. _

_ So did you get Toto? I’m going to miss him while he’s with you, so take good care of him and give him lots of cuddles. I hope you can write be back or talk to me soon. I love you sooo much and I’m proud of you for getting the help you need. Stay strong love. _

_ The love of your life, the apple of your eye, your best friend, your other half, _

_ Your Dan (ps nohomo XD) _

_ pps i’ve included a couple pictures of us for you to put in your room. _

Dan folded the letter and stuck it in an envelope with the pictures. He put Phil’s name and the address to the hospital on it and set it on the bedside table before falling asleep.

* * *

“Philip, would you like to introduce yourself to the group?” 

Phil blinked as he came back to reality, looking at the group counselling leader.

“Huh?”

“Introduce yourself to the group please. Just your name and where you’re from,” she repeated.

“I’m Phil, I’m from Rawtenstall but I’ve lived in Reading the past few years,” Phil said. He picked at his fingernails as she continued on.

“So, who did you lose?”

Phil looked over to the boy on his right. “What do you mean?”

“It’s grief and coping, this group therapy session. Who did you lose?”

“No one,” Phil said. “My boyfriend...he’s sick. He’s been in hospital for months now.”

“Well I guess he’s close to death if they stuck you in here,” the boy chuckled. Phil stood up and punched him in the face.

“Don’t you dare say that about him! He’s gonna get better! He’s gonna live!” Phil shouted. Everyone stared at him in silence as the group counselor lead him out of the room.

“This is pointless!” Phil sobbed. “If Dan dies, I die!”

“You can’t do that Phil,” she said softly. “You have to stay alive and keep the memory of him alive in the event that happens, but your family has told me he’s been making progress in the right direction, and you need to do the same in your recovery. Punching Gregory isn’t the right direction.”

“He said Dan is going to die!” Phil said, tears flowing freely as he spoke. “I wake up everyday and pray that it's not the last day Dan is on this earth, I can't handle people telling me that it's gonna happen one day because I don't want that to happen.”

“Having someone you love in hospital with an illness like that is never easy. Between that and finishing off secondary school, I can only imagine the stress you've been put under the past few months. We're here to try and help you find ways to cope with this in a healthy way. We all want that for you, even Dan,” she explained. She reached into her clipboard. “You can go to your room for the rest of group. This is a letter from Dan.”

Phil took the letter and headed for his room. He opened the envelope, pictures falling out. He smiled as he looked through the pictures before reading the letter, crying even more as he did. He grabbed his notebook.

_ Dear Dan... _


	9. Falling

_ Now turn away // 'Cause I'm awful just to see // 'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body // Oh, my agony // Know that I will never marry // Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo // But counting down the days to go // It just ain't living // And I just hope you know // That if you say // Goodbye today // I’d ask you to be true // ‘Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you  _

Cancer - My Chemical Romance

_ “Today is going to be a good day because…” _

Phil sat on his bed looking at his notebook, chewing on his pen as he searched his brain for any positive thought it could muster.

“Because Dan is still with me,” Phil said with a sad smile.

It had been three weeks since he was admitted. The first week had been hard, Phil struggling to adapt to the new medication. He felt more exhausted than ever with the medicine and he felt l nothing, not sadness, not happiness, just nothing. It had been that very feeling of nothing that made him hurt himself in the first place, and he was back at square one trying to find ways to hurt himself so he could feel again.

He was switched to another medicine that seemed to be working so far. He had more energy and actually had a range of emotions outside of nothing.

Dan’s letters helped him pull through every day. Dan had sent one out every day so Phil always had a letter to look forward to. According to his letters, his new chemo was helping and he was feeling better than he had been when Phil first got admitted to the treatment centre.

“Philip, it’s time for breakfast,” the nurse said as she walked past his room. He tucked his journal under his pillow and made his way down to the dining hall as another day in treatment began.

He ate his breakfast in silence before being dismissed to the recreational room where he usually started his daily letter to Dan. As he wrote, a nurse came into the room.

“Philip? You have to meet with your therapist this morning,” he said. Phil nodded and made his way to the therapy hall. Dr. Smith was waiting for him outside the office.

“Good morning Phil,” she greeted as she opened the door for Phil. He sat on the couch, his legs crossed as Dr. Smith sat at the chair with her clipboard. “So how have you been this week?”

“Okay,” Phil said. “And I actually mean okay.”

“What does ‘okay’ mean to you?” Dr. Smith asked.

“I’m not tired all the time,” Phil started. “There are days where I do feel really tired, but I’ve only had one the past week. And I don’t feel empty...I feel  _ something _ . I still feel sad, but I feel it, and I’m just happy to feel even that.”

“Have you felt like hurting yourself?” Dr. Smith asked.

“I get urges sometimes. When I see the scars, it makes me want to do it again sometimes. But I feel like I have the strength to shut those urges out now,” Phil said.

“The other therapist have seen an increase in your involvement in group activities, and the teachers have seen your grades improve as well. These are all signs of improvement. Improvement that I think shows you’re ready to move on to outpatient treatment,” Dr. Smith said.

“Meaning I can go home!?” Phil asked.

“You will still need to meet with your therapist back in Reading 3 times a week, and keep on your medication, but I don’t think you’re at risk to hurt yourself again.But recovery is an everyday fight. Do you think you can keep up your progress?” Dr. Smith asked.

“I do,” Phil said. Dr. Smith smiled.

“Well I’ll phone your family. Do you want to start getting your things together?” Dr. Smith asked. Phil nodded. “I’ll fetch you once I get in contact with them.”

Phil took off for his room and gathered his clothes on his bed, carefully taking down the pictures he had on the wall and putting them in the shoe box with Dan’s letters in it.

Since Phil’s parents were at work, Martyn picked him up from the treatment centre, greeting his younger brother with a big hug.

“I’m proud of you Phil,” Martyn said as he helped Phil get his things into the car. “I’ve got to be at work, do you want to go visit Dan until mum and dad can pick you up?”

“Please,” Phil begged. Martyn drove across London to the hospital, giving Phil one last hug before Phil made his way up to Dan’s room. When he walked into the room he stopped dead in his tracks.

Dan had lost a substantial amount of weight and his skin appeared as white as his sheets, save for his dark, sunken eyes.

“P-Philly?” Dan said with a smile. “You’re out?”

“Y-Yeah, I-I’m in outpatient now,” Phil said, sitting next to Dan. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. The stronger chemo is kicking my ass though,” Dan said with a chuckle.

“Why did they have to up your treatment?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged. “Please don’t lie to me, Danny. I need to know.”

“I need a bone marrow transplant,” Dan said. “The cancer is progressing too fast for chemo to catch up, more chemo would kill me, more cancer would kill me. If it keeps going at the current rate, it could spread to other organs.”

“Take mine,” Phil said without hesitation. “Who do I go to, I’ll give you my bone marrow.”

“My family didn’t even match. I just have to go into the registry and hope someone eventually does,” Dan explained. Phil shook his head.

“I’ll still try. It’s better to try than to just sit here and do nothing,” Phil said. “I’ll do anything for you Danny, I’ll even give you a kidney if I have to.”

“Come here,” Dan whispered, sitting up and opening his arms. Phil pulled him into a tight hug.

“I would give you my life if I had to Danny,” Phil said. “Who do I talk to?”

“My doctor is supposed to come around this afternoon, I guess bring it up to him,” Dan said. “Are you sure though? Like, you have to have surgery and-”

“I don’t care if I have to get probed by Miley Cyrus, if there’s a chance it could help you I’ll do anything,” Phil said. Dan rested his head on Phil’s chest.

“I love you,” Dan muttered before falling asleep.

When Dan awoke, he was feeling much better. They had a few more hours before the doctor would come, so Dan and Phil decided to make a video. They sat on the floor like they did when Dan first got admitted, cat whiskers and all, and hit record.

“Hey guys!”

“Hello Internet!”

“So, a lot of you have been asking us to do the boyfriend tag, and there were a lot of questions I found, so I just compiled a few of them,” Phil said.

“So if you guys didn’t know, Phil and I have been dating for 2 years,” Dan added. “The first question is super easy because I always scream his when he thinks it’s okay to tickle me; What’s my middle name? Your’s is Michael.”

“Yours is James, that one is way too easy,” Phil said. “So is the next one, where, when, and how did we meet?”

“We met the 19th of October 2006,” Dan said. “Phil’s family had moved in across the street, my mum told me we had to go welcome them to the neighbourhood and I honestly just wanted to stay in my room playing Zelda. We went over and our parents introduced us since we had similar interest.”

“We listened to Muse and Fall Out Boy and played video games and complained about school. We went to the same secondary school, so we would wait for the bus together and hang out during lunch and in the hallways. I was the new kid, so it was nice having a friend, especially a friend like Dan.”

“That opens up well to the next question, where did we go on our first date?” Dan asked.

“I asked Dan to the school dance in 2008, and we had matching suits and everything,” Phil said.

“Phil was really cute all night, he was so nervous about everything, but we danced and I realised that I didn't want to dance with anyone else ever again,” Dan said.

“That's the day we started dating,” Phil said with a smile. They went through all the questions and ended the video with a shy kiss, covering it from the camera with the paper they had written the questions on. Dan smiled as Phil stood to turn off the camera.

“That was pretty fun, we should do tag videos more oft-” Phil turned to help Dan off the floor to find Dan unconscious. “Dan!” Phil hit the nurses button and fell to Dan’s side, taking his face in his hands.

“Danny?? Dan, please wake up,” Phil lightly shook him as Louise rushed in.

“Daniel? Daniel sweetie, can you hear me?” Louise asked. Dan fluttered his eyes open.

“Wha’ happened?” he muttered as he pushed himself off the floor. Louise and Phil helped him up and into bed.

“You’ve fainted again sweetheart,” Louise said. “Remember what Dr. Lieberman said, you need to limit your time out of bed or you’ll tire easily.”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Dan said. He looked into Phil’s terrified eyes. “I’m sorry Philly.”

“It’s okay Danny,” Phil said.

“I’ll get you some water Dan,” Louise said.

“I’ll bring it back to him,” Phil offered, following Louise out of the room.

“How have you been love? Dan told me about the treatment centre,” Louise said.

“I’ve been better than I have been lately,” Phil said. “And Dan? He’s on bed rest now?”

“Not exactly, the doctor just wants to limit him from overexertion,” Louise said. “He’s a very independent boy and he doesn’t like having to rely on everyone all the time. I just hope they can find him a match for the transplant.”

“I was going to offer mine, if that’s okay,” Phil said.

“Really?” Louise asked.

“Yes. I want to do anything I can to help save Dan,” Phil said. Louise nodded and led him to the cart of medical supplies. She pulled open the forum on the laptop.

“What’s your full name?”

“Philip Michael Lester.”

Phil returned to Dan’s room after giving the sample to Louise. Dan’s bed was upright and he was gazing out of the window. Phil bit his lip as he walked into the room and sat next to Dan.

“You okay?” Phil asked.

“I was just thinking…” Dan said. He threw the covers off and started to get out of bed.

“Danny, you need to stay in bed-” Phil started, trying to catch Dan as he fell. Dan rested on one knee as he looked up at Phil, pulling a ring box out of his pocket.

“Philip Michael Lester, will you marry me?” Dan asked. Phil covered his mouth in shock. Dan lost his balance and started falling, Phil diving after him and kneeling on the ground with him.

“Yes,” Phil said. “Of course!” He held Dan tightly, crying as Dan slid the ring on his finger with shaky hands. Phil helped Dan back into bed and kissed him as Dan rested his head on his chest.

“We’re going to get married,” Dan said with a smile.

“I hate to be a downer, but isn’t it not allowed?” Phil asked. Dan smiled at him.

“According to Louise, Make a Wish is making it happen,” Dan said. “It’s the only thing I wanted more than anything in the world.”

“You could’ve wished for Kanye or Pete Wentz or-” Phil went on.

“I wish for you, and you said yes so no turning back on this now,” Dan said with a laugh.

“We’re getting married?” Phil asked.

“We’re getting married,” Dan repeated.


	10. I Love You

_ Just make me feel special // And make me feel loved // Make me feel something // Lately life's made me numb // I just want to hold you // For just long enough // So you don't get tired of me telling you // I love you so much  _ _  
_ ilusm - Gnash

 

_ Dan and Phil stood in the corner of the gymnasium watching other students dance to upbeat music. Dan blushed as he looked down at their hands, just inches from touching. _

I really hope he likes me, _ Dan thought as he took a sip from his drink. _

_ The upbeat music died down and a soft guitar riff started playing. Everyone on the floor that wasn't with someone looked around awkwardly as people started slow dancing. _

_ Phil reached for his hand and plucked the drink from his other. _

_ “May I have this dance?” Phil asked. Dan nodded as Phil pulled him onto the dance floor. Dan placed his hands behind Phil’s neck, Phil’s hands falling on his waist and pulling him flush against his body. Dan felt his cheeks go red as he rested his head against Phil’s chest. _

_ “Dan?” Phil spoke so soft that Dan almost didn't hear him over the soft lyrics. _

_ “I think I'm in love with you,” Phil said. Dan pulled away and looked at Phil with big eyes. “I...I really want to be with you Dan.” Dan smiled as he caresses Phil’s face. _

_ “I'm really glad you said that,” Dan said. “Because I don't think I want to dance with anyone else ever again.” _

“And we kissed,” Dan said.

“That's perfect!!” Claire exclaimed.

“And you've been dating ever since!?” Hanna chimed in.

“Girls, girls, we're helping Danny here write his vows,” Louise said with a laugh. “That was a very sweet story. Why don't you open with that?”

“But how?” Dan asked. He was sat in the lounge with a notebook in his lap trying to write his vows. Louise and a couple of other patients gathered with him to help form his ideas into words.

“How did you feel?” Claire asked.

“...special,” Dan said. “Like Phil and I were the only people in existence. He did a lot of work making that night perfect, and it was. It's the night that started everything.”

“Did you guys do it after?” Hanna asked.

“Hanna!” Louise scolded.

“No, of course not. I was only 14 at the time,” Dan said. He looked down at the notebook and wrote something down.

“Phil’s coming!” Claire warned. Dan shut his notebook and turned to see Phil all suited up.

“Whoa, you look quite dapper Phil, wedding’s not for another week,” Louise teased.

“I'm on my way to graduation,” Phil said. Dan stood to give Phil a kiss, nearly toppling over from standing too fast.

“I'm okay,” Dan said as Phil held his arm.

“You're wearing that to the ceremony?” Phil asked.

“What?” Dan asked.

“Your doctor is letting you go,” Louise said. “You have to come back tonight, you have to use the wheelchair, and the oxygen tank.”

“But I can go to Reading?!” Dan asked.

“If you hurry up and get suited up! I'll take you to your room,” Phil said, taking the back of Dan’s wheelchair and pushing him to his room. He went into his closet and pulled out a nice outfit for Dan. He carefully helped undress and redress Dan. He reached for the wig but Dan shook his head.

“There's no point. I mean, everyone knows I'm sick. Plus that thing itches,” Dan said with a slight laugh. Phil nodded and looked at Dan.

“I can't believe you're gonna be my husband next week,” Phil whispered as he kissed Dan. Dan smiled as he held Phil’s face and rested his forehead against his.

“Let's get going,” Dan said, pressing a kiss to Phil’s nose.

Phil pushed the wheelchair to the parking garage, helping him into the passenger's seat before putting the wheelchair into the trunk.

The ride back to Reading was just like old times. Dan and Phil argued over what songs to play and had horrible karaoke sessions the entire drive. They arrived at the venue for graduation and Dan smiled at Phil.

“I'm so proud of you, you know that right?” Dan leaned over and kiss him softly. Phil helped Dan into his wheelchair and met with his family at the front of the venue. Phil’s family took Dan to their seats while Phil got prepared for the ceremony.

Dan was dosing off in his wheelchair, not looking forward to the long, drawn out speeches and the 200 people who would walk the stage before Phil. Phil’s graduating class had 5 different speakers, and he was surprised when Phil’s name was called as one of them.

“Adults always ask us what we plan on doing with our lives after graduation. Some of us have a grand plan, while some people just make it up as they go. The funny thing about plans is that the don't always turn out how you expected. And that's okay.

Life isn't something you can sit down and plan out one night. If it was that easy, we'd all be doctors or superstars by now. But that's what makes life, life. That's what makes us human. Taking every obstacle in our paths and using it to build a new one towards our goals and futures.

Five years from now, maybe some of us will be married, we might have children, we might have our dream job, or we might be crossing bridges once we approach them, unsure of where to go on the other side. The important thing to do is never give up. We've made it this far, so why not keep pushing and keep fighting? Graduates, wherever you go after tonight, promise me you'll never give up until you get there, alright?” Phil finished his little speech to a roar of applause. Dan smiled as Phil reclaimed his seat and the commencement began.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur of random names, cheering when Phil was called, and more random names. Phil joined them outside of the venue and was greeted with flowers and balloons. His mum insisted on taking pictures of them together when some of Phil’s friends called after him.

“We're going out, do you want to join?” PJ asked.

“I have to get Dan back to the hospital,” Phil said sadly.

“No, go Phil,” Dan said. “My parents can drive me back. Have fun, it's your big night.”

“But Danny,” Phil said. Dan kissed him.

“Think of it as your bachelor party. But no strippers,” Dan said. “I insist, please.”

“If you're sure,” Phil said, giving him a kiss. “Call me as soon as you get back.”

“I will, have fun love,” Dan said, happy that Phil was seeming like his old self again. Dan turned himself around as Phil walked away, coughing harshly into his hand.

“Are you okay?” Martyn asked.

“I'm fine,” Dan said with a smile. No one noticed as he wiped the blood away on his trousers.

* * *

The lounge in the ward was decorated in black, ivory, and gold. Dan and Phil had argued for countless hours over the cookout scheme before settling on something traditional. In the end, Phil was awestruck with how beautiful the lounge looked. It felt like a proper wedding.

Phil stood nervously with his back away from the makeshift aisle when he heard the music start. Everyone stood up and Phil turned around, gasping at the sight.

He was expecting Dan to be pushed down the aisle in his wheelchair, but rather he was walking, escorted by his Mum while his dad carried his oxygen tank and IV behind them. They were both crying by time they joined hands. Phil supported Dan as they stood facing each other hand in hand.

“We are gathered here today to witness the union of Daniel James Howell and Philip Michael Lester as they vow to take each others hand in marriage,” the officiant read. Phil could barely pay attention to everything he was saying as he stared at Dan. His eyes were watery and he was smiling bigger than he had seen him smile in months.

“The grooms have prepared their vows for each other,” the officiant said.

“Daniel, I love you so much that I don't think any words in any language can express it. You're my best friend, and after today, you'll be my husband. These past few months have been anything but easy for us, but through it all, our love is the one thing that remained strong, and our love has kept both of us fighting. You know that when I say these vows, that I truly do mean it. I stay by your side for rich or for poor, for better or worse, through sickness and health, until death do us part. And even then, I will always remain yours.

“I see these vows not as promises but as privileges: I get to laugh with you and cry with you; care for you and share with you. I get to run with you and walk with you; build with you and live with you. But most importantly, I get to love you,” Phil finished, wiping away Dan’s tears.

“Philip, I think I would have given up the fight a long time ago if it wasn't for you. Through your love and support, I've taken every day as another step towards recovery. And I don't know if I have words to thank you enough, but I'll give it a shot.

“When we first danced at the school dance two years ago, I said that I never wanted to dance with anyone else ever again. And I was serious. I never wanted to love anyone else, and I never wanted to let you go. People say we're too young to know that we're in love, but I knew it. Deep down, I knew you were my other half.

“There's a quote that goes “Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life ourselves alone, but with another.” So that's why I know that if I die tomorrow, or if I die 100 years from now, I would have lived a full life because I got to love and be loved truly and deeply by you,” Dan said, drying Phil’s tears as the older boy began to sob. Dan pulled him into a hug as they cried in each other's arms.

“May I have the rings?” The officiant asked. Adrian brought forth the rings.

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

“I now pronounce you Mr. and Mr. Lester,” Dan and Phil didn't need any further confirmation to go ahead and kiss.

The lunch following the ceremony was there most fun Dan and Phil had had in months. Everyone watched as Phil held Dan close to his chest as they swayed back and forth to their song.

“It’s just like the dance,” Dan whispered as he buried his face into Phil’s neck. “I love you so much Philly.”

“I love you more Danny,” Phil whispered back before kissing him.

After the dance, they retreated to the tables to eat food and be together. Phil was playfully kissing Dan when they heard someone clear their throat.

“I hate to break up the honeymoon, but I wanted to give the newlyweds a present,” Dr. Lieberman said, giving Dan an envelope. Dan opened it and read the paper allowed.

“Philip Lester is...is a match for Daniel Howell,” Dan trailed off as he felt his eyes fill with tears. “W-what does this mean?”

“For one, it means we need to update your patient file to Lester, and two, it means that as long as Phil still wants to go through with it, we can do the transplant,” Dr. Lieberman said.

“Of course!” Phil said in tears. Dan started crying tears of joy.

“I'll let you two enjoy your wedding, but tomorrow we'll discuss the process and get started,” Dr. Lieberman said.

“Thank you, so much,” Dan said as he wrapped his arms around Phil and cried. “I didn't even know you tested to be my donor.”

“You thought I would just let you sit on a waiting list?” Phil kissed him softly and pulled him into his chest.

“What if this means you’re actually my cousin and this whole relationship is fucked up?” Dan joked.

“Let’s not think about that,” Phil said with a laugh.

For the first time in a long time, they had hope.


	11. Memento Mori

_I remember that we always // Remember that we always were so strong // Used to feel so alive // Now I don't remember living for so long_ _  
_ 2 Chord - Sleeping With Sirens

 

Phil opened his eyes to see the white ceiling of the hospital room. He blinked a few times to regain full consciousness and looked around. Dan was fast asleep in the bed next to him. Phil moved to sit up but felt a slight pain in his hip.

“Don’t move so fast,” Louise warned as she entered the room. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore,” Phil said. He looked back over at Dan. “So that’s it? He’s gonna get better?”

“Not quite,” Louise said. “It’s going to take a few weeks to see if your cells start producing new cells for Dan. Our biggest worry right now is keeping Dan healthy enough to get to that point. The chemo completely wiped out his immune system.”

“But it's a start?” Phil said.

“It's a start,” Louise said. “Do you have any pain?”

“My hips are a little sore,” Phil said.

“I can give you some medicine,” Louise said before leaving the room to get his medicine. Phil looked over at Dan and smiled. He had hope that this would be it, that Dan would come home soon and be free of the cancer that had overtaken his life.

As the weeks passed, however, Dan’s condition remained the same. Phil made his way to Dan’s hospital room with Dan’s family in tow. They walked into his room, carrying cake, balloons, and presents and were met with Dan violently getting sick.

“Danny!” Phil exclaimed as he rushed to Dan's side. Louise frowned at his family as the doctor came in.

“Please go,” Dan whimpered as the doctor came to Louise’s side to check on Dan. They stood frozen in the doorway. “GO!”

They slowly shuffled into the hallway and stood outside the door as they listened to Dan cry and get sick.

“They said he would get better,” Phil whispered. Dan’s mum rubbed his shoulder as the doctor came out.

“Can we head to my office?” Dr. Lieberman said. They followed him into his office and sat across from his desk.

“Dan...his cancer is spreading,” Dr. Lieberman said. “We've found cancer cells in his lungs.”

“So what are we going to do?!” Phil asked.

“The other issue is his transplant. The cells aren’t developing at the rate we would like to see this far out from the transplant,” Dr. Lieberman explained.

“So what do we do now?” Mrs. Howell asked.

“Continue with the chemo and make him comfortable until…” Dr. Lieberman trialed off.

“Until what?!” Phil snapped. “Until he gets better? Until he dies?!”

“Phil…” Mrs. Howell started.

“No!” Phil yelled. “Take more of my bone marrow, take my lungs! Do anything!”

“There’s not much we can do now,” Dr. Lieberman said. “I’m sorry.”

Phil stormed out of the room and into the hallway in tears. He paced the hall and punched the wall. Dan’s family came out of the office, Dan’s mum coming to his side.

“We have to make this the best time for him Phil,” she said on the verge of tears. “If this is it, I want him to be the happiest he’s ever been.”

“I don’t want this to be it,” Phil cried. Mrs. Howell pulled him into her arms and let him cry.

Dan lied in his bed letting tears fall as he stared at the ceiling. He was 17 today.

He reached for the journal he kept by his bed and scribbled something out and rewrote it. He coughed into his hand and looked at the blood that stained his pale skin.

“I’m dying…” He whispered. He started crying harder at the realization.

In his mind, he and Phil lived a long life together. They grew old together, and they died, old, and still as in love as they were in the beginning. But here he was, with death looming over him.

He pulled out his phone and typed ‘How to accept death’ into the search. He made a list of everything he needed to do in the meantime. Finish his letters, write a will, make sure Phil would be okay.

As Dan grew to accept his own death, he knew it would be the very thing that tore his love apart.

He heard a knock and closed the tab on his phone before welcoming everyone in. His family entered with masks on and all carrying gifts and balloons as they sang happy birthday to him. He smiled as Phil placed the cake on the tray in front of his bed. As he did, Dan noted the bruises on his knuckles and the redness in his eyes.

“Make a wish,” Phil said. Dan used all his energy to blow out the candle, only one wish on his mind.

_Please let Phil be okay._

* * *

Over the next few days, his family visited often. Dan kept browsing the internet for advice on how to deal with this. He had never been religious, but had come to find peace with whatever afterlife awaited him.

His letters were complete, titled, and hidden amongst his things. He had typed out a will, leaving most of his possessions to Phil and Adrian.

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be cremated or buried. The thought of his body being burned to ashes wasn’t pleasant, but the thought of it being inhabited by bugs wasn’t pleasant either. He wanted to have everything figured out before it happened, but with each day he was growing more and more tired.

The medicine he was given for the pain exhausted him, the chemo exhausted him, and dying exhausted him. He felt bad, sleeping through most of his visits.

Dan could tell Phil was reaching his breaking point though.

Every visit, the life seemed to drain from his eyes. His bright blues grew darker and dimmer until they almost looked grey. His eyes were always brimmed with tears. He was losing weight again and talking less care of himself with each passing day.

So Dan took his hand and used all of his energy to bring his smile back.

“Hey Philly,” Dan said weakly. He cleared his throat to bring back some of his strength. “I was thinking, we really had a crap honeymoon. I mean a medical procedure honeymoon? Horrible! We need a re-do.”  Phil chuckled.

“Where do you want to go?” Phil asked, tightening his grip on Dan’s hand.

“We should go to Japan,” Dan suggested. “I always wanted to go.”

“When you get better, we'll move to Japan,” Phil said.

“I don't know Japanese though,” Dan chuckled.

“We’ll learn,” Phil said with a smile. “We should go when the cherry trees are blooming.”

“Think of all the anime,” Dan said. Phil laughed and kissed Dan’s forehead through the mask.

“I can't wait,” Phil said, fighting the tears as he tried to make himself believe that one day they would go to Japan. Dan tried to fight the exhaustion that washed over him, but soon found himself asleep.

He and Phil made a lot of plans for their honeymoon. They would travel the world together. Dan wanted to go to Japan, America, Australia, the rest of Europe, everywhere. He wanted to see the world beyond the hospital room walls.

Phil tried to make himself believe it was possible, but he could feel it deep in his soul.

Phil was nearly asleep when he felt Dan move. He looked up to see Dan smile at him. Dan reached his hand up and caressed Phil’s face. Phil smiled as he placed his hand over Dan’s icy hand.

“You’re so beautiful when you’re half asleep,” Dan whispered.

“How long have you been watching me?” Phil asked with a chuckle.

“A few minutes,” Dan admitted. “Come here.” Phil lied in the bed next to Dan, Dan resting his head on Phil’s chest. Dan took a deep breath and held onto Phil.

“You’re so warm…” Dan whispered in a sleepy voice. “I want to sleep in your arms forever…” Dan’s hand fell limp from where it was once holding Phil’s arm. Phil’s heart skipped a beat, but calmed when the heart monitor assured Phil he was still there.

Dan had just fallen asleep.

Phil held onto him and tried to find a few moments of sleep himself, but the fear of him being gone when he awoke kept him up. Phil just held him and let the steady thump of his heart bring him peace.

“Philly…” Dan whispered after a few minutes. Phil looked down to his big brown eyes that never seemed to lose their glow. “I really want to kiss you.”

“Go ahead,” Phil chuckled. Dan pulled down the mask that covered Phil’s face. His soft lips pressed against Dan’s chapped lips for a quick peck. Dan pushed himself up and kissed Phil again and again, longer each time. He was gasping for air even though the kisses were merely seconds long.

“Bear, slow down,” Phil said with a laugh. Dan laughed as he pressed his forehead to Phil’s.

“I’m sorry, I just love kissing you,” Dan’s voice cracked as tears streamed down his face. “I just love kissing you, and holding you, and touching you-” Dan’s voice cracked again as he embraced Phil, resting his head on Phil’s shoulder. “I just love you so much Phil.”

“I love you too,” Phil’s own voice began to crack as he felt tears forming in his eyes.

“If there’s anything I did right in life,it was loving you,” Dan whispered. Phil tensed up as he pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“You’ll do loads of great things in your life,” Phil whispered. Dan let out a shaky breath as he pulled away from Phil.

“I’m really tired now,” Dan said. “Can you sing to me until I fall asleep?”

“Yeah, what do you want me to sing?” Phil asked. Dan curled into his chest.

“Our song,” Dan said.

“You want me to sing Unintended?” Phil whispered.

“Please,” Dan said with a raspy voice. He kissed Phil before resting on his chest as Phil began to sing. Phil’s shirt was wet from Dan’s tears.

“You could be my unintended, Choice to live my life extended. You should be the one I'll always love,” Phil sang. Dan had never looked more at peace than in that moment.

“I love you....” Dan whispered. His hand fell limp from where it rested on Phil’s chest.

“I'll be there as soon as I can,”

There was no comfort from the heart monitor.

“But I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before…”

Phil couldn’t let go. He couldn’t hear anything except for the sound of Dan’s final words.

_I love you_

The beep wouldn’t stop. He tried to ignore it.

“You could be my unintended,”

“Phil sweetheart, you need to let go.”

“NO!” Phil suddenly screamed as he finally came back to reality.

Nurses were pulling Dan from his arms and pulling him off the bed. The heart monitor wouldn’t stop screaming. Alarms were going off. People swarmed into the room. Louise held him in her arms as he watched them rip off his shirt and send shocks through his body.

Even with the chaos unfolding around his sleeping form, Dan never looked more at peace.

“We have to call it,” the nurse said.

“No!” Phil yelled, pulling out of Louise’s arms and running to Dan’s side. He took his face in his hands. “Danny, open your eyes. Please, Daniel, please!”

“Phil, we need to go,” Louise said.

“He’s not dead!” Phil shouted. He pressed his head to Dan’s chest. “He’s not dead....”

Not a single person in the room had dry eyes as they watched Phil cry over his husband’s dead body. Louise put a hand on his shoulder and he finally snapped.

Phil pushed past everyone in the room and took off down the hall. He had never run so fast in his life. His chest was stinging as he ran down the stairs, hearing the nurses call after him. He couldn’t focus on anything except for his destination.

Phil bolted out of the hospital doors and directly into oncoming traffic. The cars screeched to a halt just inches from hitting him.

“Please, hit me!” Phil screamed. He fell to his knees in the street and cried at the top of his lungs. “Kill me! Please, kill me!”

“Philip!” Louise and the other nurses pulled him onto the pavement as he tried to fight back from their grasps.

“I don’t want to live! I can’t, please, let me die!” Phil sobbed. He felt a sharp stab in his arm and the world fell black.

Louise made the heartbreaking call to Dan’s parents. His mum just dropped the phone and cried harder than when her own father had died. They broke the news to Adrian with the help of his school counselor.

Dan’s family entered his bedroom that night and all crammed into his bed and cried. He hadn’t been there in half a year, but it still smelt like him. It was the last part of him they had.

Phil’s family promptly rushed to London when Louise told them of his suicide attempt.

Sedated, Phil slept for the first time in nearly a month. When he awoke, he was a wreck.

Phil didn’t talk or eat for two days. He just lied in the hospital bed and stared blankly at the ceiling.

Martyn walked into the room with a box to find Phil sitting on the floor with his knees pulled to his chest. He sat next to Phil and placed the box on the floor in front of them.

“These are some of Dan’s things his parents want you to have,” Martyn spoke softly. “You don’t have to go through it now. When you’re ready.”

“Will I ever be ready?” Phil whispered. Martyn took Phil’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

“We’re all here for you Phil, okay?” Martyn said. “Talk to us. Please.”

“I’d like to be left alone,” Phil said. Martyn nodded, giving his little brother a hug that wasn’t returned. He stood from the ground and left the room, standing outside of the door.

Phil kicked the box away as he dug his fingernails into his wrists. A journal toppled out of the box and an envelope slid from between the pages. Phil’s name was written on it in Dan’s handwriting. He carefully opened the envelope to find a letter.

_Phil,_

_If you’re reading this, I’ve lost my battle with cancer. At the time I’m writing this, things aren’t looking too good for me. Everyday I feel like giving up, but then I see you and I remember why I have to keep fighting. You were the best thing about the short life I lived, and even though I only got_ _17 years, you gave me enough love to last a million lifetimes. Not that many people get to say they found their soulmate, but I know I did._

_My biggest fear is that now that I’m gone, you’ll start to give up. Please, Philly, for me, stay alive. You had so many dreams and ambitions before I got sick. I’ll be watching you from the otherside achieving those dreams, and I’ll be by your side in spirit the whole time. Please just never give up on those dreams because I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive myself. Win an Oscar before you join me in whatever afterlife exists. Make a film about us. Fall in love again._

_I want you to live the life that I didn’t get the chance to have. Please do that for me Philly._

_I love you. God, did I love you. You were my whole existence and my entire eternity._

_I love you so much Phil. Please forgive me for leaving you like this._

_Love, Daniel James Lester._

Phil didn't know when he started crying, but he wasn't sure if would ever be able to stop. All of the tears he held back trying to play strong, all of the times he had to sit back and helplessly watch Dan die came out.

“Fuck you,” Phil yelled as he threw the letter. “Why did you leave me!?”

He kicked the box again and again until it fell apart, spilling out Dan’s things. Their photographs, the plushie Phil had bought him, their love notes, everything that was Dan and Phil fell out in front of him. He threw them against the wall in rage, the frame of their picture shattering. Phil reached for the glass and took a deep breath.


	12. Infinity Street

_ I’ll always burn a light for you // Of the constant kind // I’ll always burn this light for you // Oh, the city homes are all alight // And the sky has filled itself with night // I will steal these things away // For us both _

Infinity Street - Richard Walters

Phil woke up from the sedation and prayed it was all a horrible dream.

As he moved, he felt the unmistakable pain in his stomach from where he drove a piece of glass into his abdomen. Phil pressed his palms into his eyes as he willed himself to wake up from the nightmare. He lifted the hospital gown and pushed at the bandage on his stomach, whimpering in pain as blood soaked the gauze.

He was awake in a world without Dan and that thought would ruin him.

Phil saw the journal still sat on the table. He picked it up and flipped through it. Dan had entries from December until the day he died. He flipped to the last page and bit his lip.

_ I’m not really scared about dying anymore. I’m so tired now. Even blinking feels like running a marathon. I just want to sleep and stop feeling this sick. _

_ But at the same time, I don’t want to die. There’s so much I haven’t done, so many places I haven’t seen. Maybe I can be cremated and I can be left all over the world so I can see these places after I’m gone. _

_ It’s raining today. I wonder if I’ll ever feel the rain again. _

_ ~Daniel Howell-Lester _

That was Dan’s last entry.

* * *

It rained nonstop the days following Dan’s death.

Phil watched the rain fall against the window as he sat on the sill in his hospital room. Martyn knocked on the door before entering.

“I wonder if I’ll ever get to feel rain again,” Phil whispered. “He said that in one of his last entries.” Phil clutched Dan’s journal tighter as he felt himself start to cry again.

“The funeral is going to start soon,” Martyn said. “Are you almost ready?”

“Give me a few more minutes,” Phil said. Martyn nodded as he left the room.

Phil stared down at how the rain on the streets reflected all of the lights of the city, melding them together as they rippled with another drop of rain. He closed his eyes and could almost hear Dan laugh as he ran through the puddles, racing him from the bus stop to his house in an attempt to keep his hair dry so it wouldn’t curl.

He loved rain. Dan always said it gave him an excuse to stay inside, and how he always pictured their future together being them sitting on a couch watching movies, cuddling as the rain poured outside with a dog resting beside them.

Phil smoothed back his hair as he took a deep breath and pushed himself off of the window sill. He straightened out his suit and left the hospital room with Martyn.

The nurses gave Martyn the run down; Phil couldn’t be left alone, not even in the bathroom, he wasn’t allowed near anything that could be used to harm himself, and he had to be back by 8. Martyn assured them that he would follow the instructions and led Phil to the car.

Phil was silent the entire car ride, lost in thought as he remembered his and Dan’s karaoke session when they drove back to Reading together for the last time. Martyn tried to think of something to say to break the silence, but wasn’t sure what to say, He wasn’t sure if there was anything he could say.

The steady flow of rain filled the silence as they arrived at the funeral home. As per Dan’s request that he left in his journal, he was to be cremated. They would have a wake before he was cremated, however.

Phil walked into the funeral home and was met by Dan’s family. They didn’t say anything, just pulled Phil into a hug as they cried together. Phil was tired of crying. He was tired of being sad because being sad wouldn’t change the fact that Dan was dead. Nothing would ever bring him back. The only way to see him again was to die.

“Are you ready to see him?” Mr. Howell asked. Phil bit his lip as he nodded and they were lead into the room. Phil approached the casket and choked out a sob.

Dan looked peaceful. He looked content and at rest after the hell he lived through in his last few months. Phil cried as he knelt down at the casket.

“I’m sorry bear,” his voice barely came out as a whisper. “I’m trying...I’m trying but I can’t, I don’t know if I can do this without you. We always said that the universe would fall apart if we weren’t together, and it is. The world doesn’t make sense anymore. I don’t want to be here without you Danny…give me a sign that I’ll have the strength to keep living without you, because I can’t find a reason anymore.”

Phil composed himself as he walked away from the casket and the memorial began. Dan’s parents spoke, as did his younger brother. Dan’s guidance counselor spoke about him, and the headmaster of their school announced that the school would be naming the theatre after him since Dan had been involved with theatre in his time there. Phil was the last to speak.

“When I first met Dan, I knew that he was special. We were best friends, we were boyfriends, we were husbands. I love Dan and...and he loved me. I was lucky enough to be alive at the same time as Daniel Howell, I was lucky enough to love and be loved by him, and honestly, my luck ran out now that I have to live without him and love him without him…” Phil took a deep breath before he continued. “In his journal, Dan said that at his funeral, he didn’t want me to cry, or anyone to cry for that matter. I’m sorry Dan that I’ve let you down there. But Dan wanted us to remember his life, and celebrate his life, not mourn his death. I’ve made this video for us to look at Dan’s life and smile that we were all lucky enough to be touched by his light,” Phil turned to the computer and pressed play, the projector roaring to life.

The screen came to life, opening with pictures of Dan as a baby, then cutting to a clip of him in a wig singing to the Spice Girls. The next clip showed him jumping on the bed, his grandfather playfully knocking him down as young Dan burst into laughter. The next clip was Dan singing to Barbie girl, everyone bursting into laughter. Phil could almost hear Dan cursing him out for including that clip.

The clips showed Dan as he grew into a teenager, and when he finally met Phil. The videos showed him and Phil laughing, sharpie cat whiskers on their faces, pranking each other, holding hands, playing piano, just living their lives together, young, happy, and in love.

The last clip showed Dan, waving at the camera underwater from the trip to Italy their families had taken together. Phil swam into frame and leaned in for a kiss, Dan swatting the camera away as their lips touched. The camera floated to the surface and the clip faded to black.

Everyone had tears as the video ended, especially Phil. He choked back a sob as he excused himself from the room. No one paid mind to it until Martyn jumped from his seat and chased after him. He was in the cafeteria, burning his hand on the coffee pot.

“Philip stop!” Martyn pulled him away and immediately ran his hand under cold water. “Is this what Dan would want?!”

“What does it matter? He’s gone,” Phil said. Martyn pulled Phil into a hug.

“Phil,  _ please _ . I hate seeing you like this. I know it hurts, it’s gonna hurt, but you can’t keep doing this to yourself,” Martyn said. 

“I should’ve just died right along with him,” Phil said.

Following the funeral, Phil's life became an endless cycle of failed suicide attempts and inpatient treatment stays. At first, he was angry. Angry at himself, angry at the doctors, angry at his family, angry at life. But he was really angry with Dan. This time saw the most violent Phil had ever been, hurting himself and anyone who was unfortunate to come into contact with him during an episode.

After a month or so, his anger died down and was replaced with an aching hollow feeling. Phil felt like his soul had been ripped out and he was the empty shell of a broken man. He started drinking to cope with the pain. Most of his days he spent in bed, unmotivated to do anything. Sometimes he would watch their old videos and cry that it was all he had left. Some nights, he would cry so loud his throat would be raw.

All the therapist told him the pain would get better in time, but it never did.

_ “Please, Philly, for me, stay alive.” _

The thing was, there wasn't much of a life to live without him.

This time saw the most accidental overdoses for Phil. Between drinking too much and taking a mixed drink of mood stabilizers, Phil found himself waking up in hospitals more often than one should.

There was a point where people gave up trying to save Phil. The poor boy had more suicide attempts than you could count on your hands. The initial treatment center gave up on him, then the next one, then the next one. Finally, Phil found treatment at the bottom of empty bottles.

Phil’s social media accounts were always flooded with messages about Dan. He had been gone for over 4 years now, but the people that came across their short lived YouTube videos often sent him messages of condolence and asking him if he would make more videos.

He looked at the letters in his nearly empty flat. One was from Dan, and the other was from York, accepting his application for admission.

_ “I want you to live the life I didn't get the chance to have.” _

So he packed up his things in a box, and took off for uni, and actually did well. Despite his growing dependence on alcohol, he managed to make it to his senior year, and he wrote a screenplay for his senior project.

Phil stood and went to the front of the class, speaking as he pulled up the concept trailer he made.

“My film is about a young couple that seemingly has the perfect life until one of them is diagnosed with a terminal illness,” Phil said. “James is dying, and Michael does everything he can to try and save him, but he ultimately dies. It takes a perspective of showing death from the eyes of the person who is dying and as the loved one of the dying person.”

He hit play and his voice came over the black screen.

“Unfortunately, my best friend, the love of my life, died.”

The clips of him and Dan came to life on the screen as a sad piano piece played in the background. It showed their happy times, joking around when they made videos together, and the darkest times, like when Phil comforted Dan when he first got sick and when Dan announced he had cancer.

The clips showed the darkest and happiest moments he and Dan had faced. Phil was on the brink of tears as the concept trailer ended and the lights cut on to reveal that all of his classmates were in tears.

“This is based off of a true story, my late husband’s story,” Phil said. “These clips are from when he was sick...he died from leukaemia 8 years ago.”

“Do you have a screenplay written?” his professor asked. Phil handed him the binder that contained everything he wrote.

“Good work Mr. Howell-Lester,” his professor said.

Phil made his way back to his flat after class. His flat was small and empty, save for the collection of empty glasses of alcohol and a couple chairs. He collapsed on the couch and looked at the urn that rested on the coffee table next to a picture of himself and Dan.

“Well that was the last class Danny,” Phil spoke. “I did it. I finished uni for you. I don’t know what I’m going to do now, but I hope you’re proud of me.”

Little did Phil know, the answer to his post-university life lied in his email.

_ “Philip Howell-Lester, _

_ Greetings, my name is Devin Matthews from Matthews Entertainment. My good friend, your professor Burton, passed your screenplay along to me. I’ve given it a read and I was moved. I haven’t been this moved by a screenplay in a long time. I’m interested in funding the production of this film. I have confidence that it will be an Oscar winning film. Please respond at your earliest convenience so we can talk more about the film and make this happen.” _

“Holy shit,” Phil said.

* * *

“So this is a true story?” Devin asked as he took a sip of his tea.

“My husband died from leukaemia,” Phil said. “He kept a journal that I read once he passed, and it talked about how he was feeling throughout his entire battle with cancer. I kept a journal too, about how I felt having to helplessly watch him go through that. We both made a lot of sacrifices in those 6 months, for the sake of one another. He tried his hardest in his final days…”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Devin said as he noticed Phil start to cry.

“No, it feels good talking about him again,” Phil said. “He tried his hardest to be okay for me. I knew he was ready to die, I would be too had I been that sick. And for him to love me with every inch of his soul...for him to love me with his last breathe, that’s a love that’s rare to find. That’s real, true love. And I want to share that with the world.”

“And we will.”

At 27, Phil wrote and directed his first film. They released the film on July 2nd, on the 10 year anniversary of Dan’s death.  _ The Letter _ became an overnight success, breaking records across the world. It easily won several Oscars, including the coveted Best Picture and Best Directing. Phil sat in his empty London flat, looking at the two Oscars that sat on either side of Dan’s urn.

“We did it bear,” Phil whispered before breaking down.

Phil cried harder than he had when Dan died, if that was possible. He finished off what was probably his fourth bottle of the night before making his way to the bathroom. He opened the medicine cabinet and took maybe a few too many of his antidepressants.

When Phil awoke, he felt warm. He felt like someone was holding him. He turned around to be greeted by familiar brown eyes, brown eyes he hadn’t seen in years.

“Danny?”

Dan looked how he did before he got sick. He had hair again, albeit cut into a different, more mature style. His brown eyes regained their life, he had put his weight back on, and his skin was warm full of colour.

“Philly…” Dan embraced him as the older man began to cry. “Shh, it’s okay.”

“This is a dream…” Phil said. Dan shook his head.

“I’m afraid we’re both dead Philly,” Dan said.

“What!?” Phil sprung up from the ground to see an unfamiliar place. “Where are we?”

“The hospital. I’ve come to take you back with me,” Dan said.

“What happened to me?” Phil asked.

“You overdosed,” Dan said. “They tried to save you, they tried their hardest, but your family decided to take you off of life support.”

“I’m so sorry,” Phil cried as he held onto Dan. “I tried to stay alive, I’m sorry. Oh God, my family I-”

“Shhh,” Dan said as he held Phil. “What’s done is done. I know how hard it has been for you on your own, and I’m so proud for how far you came and everything you did.”

Dan and Phil remained in their embrace for what felt like forever. When Phil finally pulled away, they were standing on a street.

“Where are we now?” Phil asked.

“This,” Dan said. “Is Infinity Street.”

“We all live our lives trying to find the meaning of life, and this is it. We live to find ourselves, and to find ourselves in another. And we did it Phil. We found each other. I’ve been waiting here a long time for you, and now that we’re here, together, we can go spend the rest of eternity with each other,” Dan took Phil’s hand and pulled him down the street.

“Where are we going?” Phil asked.

“We have to meet the others!” Dan said with a smile.

“Wait,” Phil said. Dan turned around and let Phil pull him into the biggest, longest kiss ever.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Art](https://phaddy.tumblr.com/post/167562850531/heck-phandom-big-bang-art-from-a-while-ago)   
> [Trailer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyVBKNVqD5A)  
> [Playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLlE9XiH5O6rPSRHy4yizI51M6smt6eZhD)


End file.
